Wednesday, January 29, 2003

guysdolls
What Musical are You?

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o/) I love you, a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck, and a hug around the neck... o/)

Damnit, that's the only song I can remember when thinking about Guys & Dolls. That and I remember going to see it junior year at Blair. When Natalie suggested that I ask Jesse to prom. And meeting up with some people from elementary school that I hadn't seen for years, three at that point. (ex. Ximena and Steven Chemtob) I liked the show, I remember that too.

Oh yea... and also...
o/) ... In other words, just by waiting around for that plain little band of gold, a person can develop a cold! o/)

I used to sing that alot. Especially right after seeing the musical. Ahh, memories.

Wednesday, January 22, 2003

Do you guys remember that Kenny ordeal? Not too too too long ago. I've been looking back at everything. At my blog(s), old conversations with him. It seems so ridiculous now. I don't know what I was thinking. Proof that I'm completelly over it. But good god, I don't know what that was. Now, a source of embarrassment and foolishness on my part. Ech.

Then again, does that mean months from now I'm going to look back on now and think, 'so ridiculous?' Well, then again, the relationship I have with John is different than that weird thing with Ken. No. I could never think that the relationship I have with John is ridiculous. It's the best thing that has happened to me.
I told John a bit about a dream I had a several nights ago. We were sitting across from eachother at a table. There was food at the table but we weren't really eating, more talking. He was clothed and I was too, except that you could see my chest. Now, earlier in the dream I did something that caused me to have this big big bruise on my chest. It was dark purple and spread around my sternum and over my left shoulder. It looked as if there was like internal bleeding near to the skin surface but back enough so that it was behind my sternum. I don't know, hard to explain it without hand gestures. John didn't notice the huge splotch of blood. And I said to him, 'You didn't notice? Look, I have a big bruise all over my chest and up my left shoulder!' It didn't hurt. But something was obviously drastically wrong. And instead of considering going to the hospital, which didn't occur to me at all, I was just like, 'I'll ask mom to take me to the doctor tomorrow, it's too late to go tonight.' I don't remember what I did that caused the big bruise, but it was something I shouldn't have been doing.

There was another part where I was standing, or rather hobbling because I was in pain due to weird bruise, in a narrow-ish corridor where two pieces of my artwork were hanging across from each other on the walls. One was my junior prom collage sorta thing, which exists, and the other was a painting of a red factory-like building, which doesn't. In the dream-collage, however, there was a square of mirror in the center of it while the real collage doesn't have that. On a nearby table there was this liquid that made it easier to cut into metal/mirror. I decided that I wanted to cut a section out of the mirror part and put something else, but I forget what, and I remember applying the liquid to a square section of the mirror part with a dirty grey rag. It wasn't going to fully disintegrate the mirror, I knew, but I was satisfied when I saw that it had disintegrated the section a little. I only had to wait a little bit before cutting into the mirror with an exacto-knife. Then I turned around and decided to apply the liquid to the factory painting. To a corner of the factory so that I can open up the factory wall and show the inside. Apparently, the liquid had the ability to show a cross-section of a painting. It was odd. There was supposed to be a family disproportionally large compared to the walls surrounding them sitting at a table eating supper.

But that's all I remember. Other than standing in line somewhere behind some snobby, attitude-y black girl with braids. She was pretty and she knew it. John was standing next to me in that line. But I don't remember what else happened in that scene. Other than that the girl was going to do something for somebody else in the line but then she was like 'Forget it, do it yourself.'

Weird dreams.
To think that a little more than half a year ago, I'd easily find some way to fill this space with babble and rants. Now I sit blankly. And I once was complimented on how smoothly the feelings poured out onto this thing. Complimented and criticized too for how open I was. But openness is not an issue anymore. I've closed up alot. Now, it's not so easy to know me. Can't just open up this page and boom, my current thoughts are there. Constantly censoring. Both consciously and subconsciously. I don't feel like I have anything to say. And what's in my head is all a jumble anyhow. But I'm not confused. Look how choppy my sentences are in this post. Ich. I can't get it to flow like I used to. Not without effort.

But why?

I've closed up. I don't really know exactly how I'm feeling. There's a multitude of reasons. I used to deal all the time with shocking things I ended up doing or something that upset me. But I've never dealt for this long with something that constantly makes me happy. Or at least doesn't let me be upset for long enough to blog. It feel so surreal. I can't even tell which emotions I'm feeling right now. I feel so blank. Am I happy? I think so. I don't know. Where is it? I can't find it. I'm not sad or angry, there's no trace of those. Happy is such a vague emotion. Well, if anything else, I'm feeling blank. Neutral. Mostly indifferent. Trace of impatience. For what...? To see John again. To be back in school. Anxiety. For school, for the future, for financial reasons, school-related. Feel like I should be doing something. Maybe something productive. I feel lazy. It's such a mundane feeling, this.

Now with John, it's different. Giddy, ecstatic, excited, content, secure, silly... I can go on.

I used to have my thoughts and emotions organized, but upon looking back up at what I've typed, I've realized what a mess it has become. I think underneath the surface emotions, I'm still a bit confused. A bit unsure. Things have changed so quickly for me. So I think I feel a tad uneasy. Am I doing the right thing?

Wednesday, January 08, 2003

Temptress
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?

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I'm a Temptress, though I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing...

Monday, January 06, 2003

It's been awhile, I know. I don't know what I can say about it. I'm not sure why. I think I lost my passion for writing about my life. Or maybe it's more like the immediacy. I still want to write something that pertains to my life. And while poetry is beyond me, prose has never been too god-awful for me to attempt. I feel that every individual has a life worth telling a story about. Every life is a dramatic story. And unlike those movie plots, good doesn't always prevail. In fact, if you think about it, good probably wins only half of the time. But then again, it's thinking about it that gets people to not try for the better goal. People say, 'This isn't the movies. The 'good guys' could very well die or fail. In fact, they probably will. So what's the point of trying? Leave it to cops. There are no heroes in the real world.'

I probably exaggerate. Hell, those good guy/bad guy situations themselves could be exaggerated in my mind. I don't know any better. I'm pretty sheltered.

New subject.