Sweet. According to this website, if I was just created for some dark purpose, this is what my name would mean:



Heh. Nocturnal exploration.

'We like because, we love although'

Meg's quote. Or rather she found it first, and I yoinked it. Applying it to my crush on David. Weirdness. Like. It was always like 'I like him because of his voice or yatta yatta yatta.' And I knew his faults and there were just parts of him that I didn't really like and therefore didn't really want a relationship with him. Applying to my last crush. ...Well. I loved him. Enough said. Applying to John, now. Way too early to tell. But it's looking good. ;)

Happy Birthday, Daryl!

Well, not that my brother reads this anyhow. You know, I found the perfect birthday card for Kenny. Yes, it had sex in it. That's why it was the perfect birthday card for him. Didn't get it though. I really wanted to. It was PERFECT, I swear. Heh. I decided for next time. I was kinda on a date with John. Heh. Again, yes. I'm getting to really like him. Funny thing though -- I don't have to deal with him staring at other girls. I have to deal with him staring at cars. Like, everytime a car revved its engine, he'd spin around. And then he'd identify the type of car and its engine. Or when I'd jokingly complain, he wouldn't turn around, he'd just identify what type of engine. And while wandering around, he'd be staring out into the parking lot.

He's so sweet though. Always re-emphasizing how much he likes me. And also how I was the first one who changed his priority from cars. Heheheh. He's funny and doesn't have to be sexual to be so.

We're slowing things down. Which is good because of the whole rebound stuff. But I really do like him, and hopefully if things continue to go so well, we'll get to like boyfriend/girlfriend status. (Take that, other guy. Your loss!)

Jesus, I'm bitter. And resentful. I bet you he doesn't even give a damn. Asshole took the easy way out. So fine. You don't want to try being friends. You don't want to talk to me. Well, I'm not going to beg for you to come back. I just feel foolish for thinking about you so much when you just decided that I'm not worth your time. Even as just friends. Heh, and I hope you don't appear saying you didn't want to talk for awhile because it hurt and you needed time away from talking to me. Bullshit. If I could take it, you could too. I mean, I don't want to sound selfish, but hon, I'm sure I hurt more than your sorry ass. You're the one who has someone else to fall back on. You're full of shit, you know. At least half of what you said to me, you didn't mean. Like all that 'I was thinking of leaving her for you' crap. Deep down, I knew you were just saying it. And saying it to hurt me, no less. But hey, guess what, ass, I wanted to believe it and so I did. That part I guess was my own fault, but then again, you could have just not said shit like that at all. Fuck you, jerk. And then that bit about wanting to be friends. I meant it. I really did. I still hated/loved you, but I wanted to really put the effort in to become friends. You said you did too, but you lied to me, again. Fuck. Why did I trust you? Only to be shattered again.

Damn you, coward. It's just as well. I should have gotten you to sign my yearbook after all. I mean, you want to avoid me and I'm not putting any more effort into you. That would just be chasing you again and therefore indulging your ego. Fuck that, you're not worth anymore pain. I've hurt enough because of you. So when are we going to talk again? Hell if I know. ...I wish it would be soon, but I'm just being silly.

It's always been your choice on whether we would try to be friends or not. Despite the bitterness, you know I still do want to be friends. Tell me upfront that you want otherwise, and I'll give up on everything about you. Or just keep avoiding me and then I'll grow to hate your very existence. It's your choice. I'd prefer the former to the latter. But it's your choice.

You know why I haven't been seeing other guy? He got a new screenname. Sandi told me, and she heard it from Mike Leonard. And of course he won't be saying hi to me for awhile, if ever. Cause neither of them know his new one. Not that I'd IM him, even if they told me what it was. He changed it for a reason. I don't want to be self-centered and say it was because of me. I mean, Sandi and Mike Leonard don't know it either. Maybe he just wants to start anew or something. Talk to other people. I don't know. It makes me so sad. I guess it's just as well, but it hurts. Alot. He still means alot to me and I really do want to be friends. But I guess it's just as well.

I'm going to be telling myself that for awhile -- it's just as well. Life goes on. Don't want to cry again. Gotta keep thinking positive.

What about John? *pokes self* Damnit. Come on, what about John? Think about him. He likes you. He thinks you're incredible. He puts you first. He'll treat you well. You have fun with him. He's attractive. You're seeing him again tomorrow. ... He's not _him_.

Damnit. Damn damn damn damn. It's just rebound, isn't it? We don't quite click, John and I. It's missing something. It's just physical. Fuck. I'm going to cry.

It's a dull ache. Very dull but it's there nonetheless. I miss him.

Ugh, stop thinking about him. Gonna be seeing John tomorrow (or rather today) after work.

... I also swear that I do feel too happy, all things considered. I'm probably more upset than I'm letting on, even to myself. And I know, I'm probably just on the rebound. Which sucks, because i do like John. But it's not abnormal. I did love him and I'll always care about him. I just have to wait for things to get better.

In the meanwhile, John is going to take me out to a movie sometime. Score! Man, he's tall. 6'1" as opposed to my 5'. But who cares?! He's not particularly hot, but I'm attracted to him anyhow. He's very sweet.

It's the green eyes, I swear. Since I've worn the green contacts, I've had much better luck and definitely more fun. ;)

I have to say, snapping at that time and the ensuing getting over him couldn't have happened at a better time. I mean, it really hurt like anything. But then, graduation party I get my new laptop and it pleases me to no end despite that guy conflict (Egads, am I materialistic). And then UMD honors orientation... I was so pleased with the guy to girl ratio. ;) And then, at Deepa's goodbye party... Aheh, now where should I start?

Orientation was real fun. Meeting new people and all that. I could have done with less walking, but I had so much fun meeting new people and stuff. Mostly guys. I have an easier time making friends with guys. I met girls too, but it wasn't as easily done. Re-met people from my middle and elementary school. Gods, I am so ready to be going there. Heh, I go to orientation and come back having hit it off so well with this one guy, John. He went to St. John's College High School and lives in Wheaton/Aspen Hill. Heh, we met for a day and we hit it off so well that Liliya was just like 'Why don't you two just go out?' Didn't get his number and he didn't get mine, but we exchanged screennames. What dorks, eh?

Also met a Cleveland guy. He was fun -- into goth punk and stuff. He was cool. There were others but I'd just go on and on. ;) About the actual orientation? It was interesting. Too much walking. I loved spending the night -- stayed up until two just talking to people. The room was ugly, I got stuck in Dorchester, but it was fine. The dorms in Anne Arundel were so nice though. And they're so central. But I'm gonna get stuck at Denton. :-/ Oh well. At least I get to stick on campus. John is commuting.

And then, dead from orientation, I go to Deepa's goodbye party. I was so dead that I couldn't really do much. And besides, it wasn't really the group of people I usually hang with. And so I get into this tickle match with Conroy. Which ended up with us two making out in the middle of the room, in plain view. Aheh. (Yeah, gonna hear about that from everyone who was at the party.) I do like him. But with the grade difference, any relationship would probably have to end at the end of the summer. Well, even if we were in the same grade, if we were going to go to different schools, I'd probably want to call it off then. We discussed this and concluded that it would be best to just stay friends. Oh well. But hey, I really enjoyed it. ;)

Well. It's time to move on. I'm done loving you but I still want to be friends. I know I do -- I don't want to lose you completely. Really, you are an incredible guy -- that's why I fell so hard for you. I mean, it's not that there is something about you that I just can't stand now, but the situation was that I was going to have to let go eventually, and so now is the time. I'm not quite done hurting over you, this is just a temporary rational moment -- but I won't hurt forever.

Good God, last night, it was the worst it's been for the longest time. I actually got back to the physical pain. No bleeding, just digging my nails into my flesh and pinching and stuff like that. And only debating cutting. Major irrationality. Almost wanted to overdose on some meds. :-P See, this is why I hate love now. But really, I'll bounce back. I always do. And I'll be all the wiser and stronger from this. Life goes on, it does.

... It hurts so much. I can't stop crying.

Life sucks. God. I fell for you and you weren't satisfied with that. You made me think I had a chance. You wouldn't let me go. And now. I'm left crying over you, with all of this fucking pain because of you. You fucking played with my heart. I really fucking liked you. You could have fucking made it completely clear that you didn't want anything to happen, that anything wasn't going to happen between us. You wasted my time and broke my heart.

Why? What did I do to have to hurt so much? Why why why why why? When will it be my turn to be happy? When will I ever find someone who'll love me? When will I ever love someone who will love me? What did I fucking do to deserve this? Why do I still love you?

Why do I suck so much?

I don't want to live anymore. This is always what life has in store for me. Just pain pain and more pain. It brings me up a little only to knock me down. God, I really liked him. But it didn't mean enough to him. I'm beginning to think it'll never mean much of anything to anybody. I mean, why would it? If you could just see me now. Face streaked with tears, contorted with each sob. It hurts so much. I'm an ugly person, inside and out. All I have to offer is my love. He had it. Didn't want it. I'll never mean much in this fucking world. I hate life. I hate it i hate it ihateit.

I regret it all. I wish I had never even gone to the beach. I wish things had never changed. I'm always screwed over in the end. Fuck it all.

And it's all over. It's over. It's over over over over. I should have expected it. I wasn't good enough for David, what made me think I would be for him? I'm just not enough. I'm never enough. I'll never win in the end. Because I'm just not worth it. I'm not worth anything. It's over. It never even began but it's over. I just fucked up as usual. As always, fuck up that I am. I should have not hoped against hope. Not because he had a girlfriend already, just because I'm shit. Whatever. I give up. It's over.

I drew a picture of Kenny, from that picture Jess gave me. It was off, in a bunch of places that I could see. And to me, it only sorta resembled Kenny. It looked like Mike Leonard, or whoever else, sorta. But I brought it to Ben's graduation party to give to Amy to scan so I can get it on the computer and other people saw it and immediately were like 'Kenny!' That pleases me. It HAS to say something about my skill in drawing.

Now, to draw all the rest of you people. Pictures, I need pictures! One with a definite face in it. I have like no good drawing pictures of my friends.

... Is this really my getting over him or just a protective burial of my feelings?

Hmm. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm sorta out of it. Or maybe it's that I haven't talked to him for awhile. I guess he's like a drug for me. :-P I'm addicted to him, but with the lack of contact recently, maybe I'm getting over it. I can't tell. Well, okay, there, no, feelings are still there. Lost in the emotional jumble that is me though.

Remember Kevin? I was reading back through old journals and stuff and there was all this about me loving him. I do not remember any of that, honestly. I can't even imagine how it used to feel. Obviously I got over whatever it was. And I find myself comparing how I felt then to how I feel now and I am wanting to say that it can't compare but reluctant to do so because I don't know. I mistook that for love. I'm not sure I'm any wiser now. And it's both a good thing and a bad thing, sorta. The good side is that I might not be entirely hopeless. I got over that 'love' and moved on to a new one. It felt hopeless at the time, I'm sure, just as it all feels hopeless now. But the future is still there. And something will happen. Maybe not what I want right now, but what will be good for me in the end. On the other hand, I _want_ to love him.

The problem with comparing the two is that Kevin was long-distance. It puts an entirely new twist to the whole deal. How much of my 'falling in love' and then getting over him was partial putting him up on a pedestal because I never really knew him too well? Whereas I'm (hopefully, at least) becoming close friends with this one. I know that I know this one better, even though we've only been talking for about like 4months or so now and Kevin has been around a couple of years.

I just feel a bit frustrated. There's nothing I can really do about the nasty situation until next year when things change. Either I'll meet some nice new guys or something will work with this one. It could never be what I want though, with him. As long as he loves her. I know I would feel uncomfortable, at least eventually, with just being a for-now. But at least next year, it would, in theory, be easier to develop the friendship a bit more. He'll have time to hang out with me. In any case, I'd be able to do something about it.

Frustrated. And confused. About how I feel. With all the restraining and covering up of my emotions, it's all become really lost. Half of me admits to the extent of it while the other one is trying to be realistic and denying it. Which one is the truth though?

I'm not sleepy anymore. I was taking a nap and woke up to the pain of having my contacts still in. Actually leaving for the beach on Monday, not yesterday. Well, duh, as I'm still here. I'm a bit sluggish right now, it feels. Went clubbing for the very first time Friday night with Jess, Mike Leonard, and Andy. At Insomnia. It was cool. I love to dance. My eyes hurt a little.

I feel like that whole song embodies how I feel sometimes in the nasty guy situation I'm in.

Shakira
Fool

Tell me lies
slap me on the face
just improvise
do something really clever
that'll make me hate your name forever

You might swear you'd never touch a lady
well, let me say you're not too far from maybe
every day you find new ways to hurt me

But I can't help it if I'm just a fool
always having my heart set on you
'til the time you start changing the rules
I'll keep chasing the soles of your shoes

Fool

Got resigned from hearing my own story
every night I'm paying hell for glory
I'm embarrassed but I'm much more sorry

All this pain begins to feel like pleasure
with more tears you'd make a sea of desert
salt my wounds and i'll keep saying thank you

But I can't help it if I'm just a fool
always having my heart set on you
'til the time you start changing the rules
I'll keep chasing the soles of your shoes

Fool

But I can't help it if I'm just a fool
always having my heart set on you
'til the time you start changing the rules
I'll keep chasing the soles of your shoes

Fool

Fool
I can't help it baby
fool
I can't help it baby
fool
I can't help it baby
fool
I can't help it baby

Fool
I'm a fool
I'm a fool

Today graduation rehearsal and picnic. Rehearsal was rather boring and long and meh. Picnic was cool. Spent the whole of it signing yearbooks. In the frenzy, it still hasn't hit me that I won't be seeing these people ever again. Well, alot of them anyhow. I know I'm graduation, but it feels like it's not the end. That it's just a break and someday I'll be going back to class and seeing all of them again. I'm dreading the time when it actually hits me.

Which reminds me, I want to get a picture of the front of the school. :)

And tomorrow it is all over. To think back over the literal blood, sweat, and tears poured out over the four years... it's rather mindboggling. And it's just been four years. But these people I feel like I have known since forever. And I am so reluctant to part with them. After tomorrow, when am I ever going to see the majority of these people? Never. To be blunt, I will never see them ever again, except for possibly highschool reunions. All I'll have left of them will be memories. And I have this feeling that except for a select few, a really select few, gradually it will be goodbye forever. Sure we will try to keep in touch, but as often as it is with me, it will be a losing battle. And I am so terrified of that. I love you all.

Going to the beach this saturday with Andy Galen. Fun times. ;)

On another somewhat related note, I've been rather horny lately. More than you needed to know, yes? Well, I did just get over my monthly like last week or so. Heheh.

I'm losing track of time. Was it yesterday that prom was? No wait, it was the evening before that. It feels like it was yesterday, but I'm all confuzzled.

Ah. Prom. After being at school for like an hour, and then sleeping for two hours and waking up at 11:30, I got all primped up starting at around 1pm and was ready by 4:30 when Shadman picked me up. We then proceeded to go to Tara Rial's house (after a return trip when I realized I forgot some crap at home) where pictures were taken of the whole group, all twelve of us. As there were twelve of us, two of us had to drive, following us around. We switched off though. I got to stick in the limo the whole time. It was fun. It was a jag limo, which at first glance looked really cool... Well, it was cool, it was a limo. Our driver was this old white guy named Henry (who came in _during_ dinner to ask us if we had stolen a wineglass by accident -- we didn't, but he ended up charging $10 for it) and the limo had this constant screeching noise when it backed up. The group consisted of Maureen O'Connor, Jake Somethingoranother, Tara Rial, Steve Shema, Rachel Somethingoranotherfromanotherschool, Michael Leonard, Sherry Berg, Tim Pskowski, Jessica Hollies, Hank Miller, and Steve Shadman and I. Steve Shema picked the restaurant -- some spanish place in DC, and I cannot remember the name of it for the life of me. Very classy, and expensive. Mike's dad called ahead of time and ordered us all non-alcoholic cocktails and some appetizers. Real good stuff. Real cool dad. My main course was the Paella de Langosta. Some kinda rice and lobster thing. Mike knew the details and proceeded to talk about it but I forgot the details. Especially now when I'm feeling rather tired. It was really good. The dishes were really expensive, like $25-30. But Shadman paid for us both. He also paid for the prom tickets. And he refuses to let me pay him back. He won't tell me how much I owe him for dinner. See, I was supposed to pay for dinner, as he paid for the prom tickets. He's such a nice guy. After that, we proceeded to prom, arriving at like 10 or so. The music and the DJ sucked ass, but I had a nice time. Dude, he played 3 slow songs in a row and on the third one, everybody was protesting but the DJ was like 'Well, it's your prom, I'm GOING to play it, you have no say.' At the end he played our senior song and then Vitamin C's Graduation song, during which I started crying. But it was okay. After prom, we still had the limo until like one am. We went back to Tara's to drop off Mike and Rachel as Rachel had to be getting home. Steve and Sherry (it was her turn that time) got in the limo and we proceeded to ride around. Heheheh. We went through the drive-thru at McDonalds and asked them for Grey poupon. Except it was Tim and he just looks in the bag of food and says 'Hey, where's the Grey poopon?' Heh. We dropped by CVS to get caffeine pills but it was closed so we went to 7-Eleven instead. Yes, yes, I took a caffeine pill. I was falling asleep. Heh. Yea, we went to all that IN THE LIMO and IN PROM DRESS. It was so fun. Then we went back to Tara's and got out of our dresses and then got to post-prom. I was too tired to take advantage of the moonbounce, moonbounce laser tag, moonbounce obstacle course, moonbounce boxing, or moonbounce sumo wrestling but it was fun to watch. I didn't do karaoke or pool or anything, but it was fun to watch and laugh at and ok, I did play a little of the airhockey thingy. I won. :) Then Jess, Mike Leonard, Elizabeth Gibson, Rachel Black, Sam McKenzie, Ryan Meade, Alex Gessner, Roni Sandoval, Rita, and Shadman went over to Shadman's house for the hot tub and pool. I proceeded to break a nail :( playing on those table soccer things. It makes me sad. And it hurt like the dickens. It was so nice, the hot tub and pool. Very relaxing and refreshing too. After that, I said bye to Shadman, thanking him sooooooo much for making my prom wonderful. Then Jess, Rachel, Sam, and I got into Mike's car and he drove us over to Andy's house. People were watching Braveheart downstairs and sleeping but Jess and I stayed awake with Andy, munching and talking. It was really fun because we had not slept at all. Jess and I were particularly crazy. But you should have seen us even later when people were waking up. We started talking about old shows like Zoobilee Zoo and Rainbow Brite. And we danced around and laughed for no reason at all sometimes. People left and soon Jess and I were left with Andy and his mom. We helped clean up and then my parents came to pick me up. Andy let me take the picture frame thing and let Jess have the candle as we didn't have anything. Nice guy.

And then, I had to wake myself sufficiently to go to Chris Jacob's graduation lunch. But I'm tired. So, I'll talk about it later. Or about details that I missed.