wooooooooo. mood sh-WING! i'm feeling better.

i think my period is coming up.

that means i'm overreacting to everything. and should disregard how crappy depressed i'm feeling. cause it'll pass. maybe.

no, i don't really believe that.

i'mcold.

i painted my nails red. i'm gonna get a manicure this friday as well as an eye exam. which reminds me. need to be talking to mom about helping me pay for it. for my glasses and stuff. go away.

there was an old man who came into the vision center demanding 38 dollar frames, lenses included. he smelled funky. i tried to explain that no, there is no such package. as our most inexpensive frame is 18 dollars and our most inexpensive lense was 30. but he insisted that we did sell a 38 dollar frame and lense package. hey, ass, we work here. i don't see you wearing the vision center lab coat with a namebadge identifying you as a walmart associate. shut up. i let maria deal with him. i had to flee from his funk. and he kept farting too. and he kept obnoxiously coming back and asking for the package. no, it's not like we're gonna change our mind.

i hope you're happy.

bitter. cold.

some people don't know their alphabet very well. when i'm filing the charts at work, i constantly find them with stuff like k before j or like l after n. it annoys me. i try to ignore them but it just bothers me so much eventually i just go back and fix it myself. which is a tedious pain in the ass.

moral of the story: learn your alphabet. dumbass.

i tried so hard. but it never matters, never makes a difference. how many times can i handle failure? i'm a failure at life. at everything.

i should be happy.

no really. look --> :)

disregard the last several posts. i'm fine.

I just found out I do cut myself. But not physically. Just emotionally. I wonder if it's just as bad. It's something I've been doing since I can remember. I like to torture myself.

Work was ok.

Shattered. Emotionally dead. Numb. Mechanical. Shattered. Dead. Frozen. Dead. Empty. Emotionless, not quite. Sadness, twinge. Numb. I don't care. Deaddeaddead. stop. empty. i don't feel. can't express how i feel. how i really feel. don't care. i don't care. i don't care i don't care i don't care about anything. shocked, not really. shattered. shattered. shattered. shattered. self-abuse. numb above all.

STOOOOOP IT!

It's so hot. God. I was driving home from a party and decided to drive with the windows open. When I was moving it was fine. But at a stoplight it was just... I could smell the heat. Damn.

Well. My feelings aren't as secure as I had thought they were. As I'd have liked them to be. Don't get me wrong, John still means alot to me, that hasn't changed. I still know that I have genuine feelings for him rather than just rebound. It's not that. Anyhow, it just means I have to talk to John. We have to slow down, back off. If we don't, if we continue while I'm still like this, it won't amount to anything good. Quite the opposite, rather. In the meantime, I don't know what I'm going to do. Try not to think about it? Impossible. For me. I think I just have to try to understand it all. Cause I mean, my feelings for John haven't changed. It's just the comparison is different. And it's just something that I have to deal with. I feel set back although it's not that, it's just that I thought I was farther along than I really was. I feel sorta at a loss. Hopeless too.

That was generally enigmatic, wasn't it? You generally probably wouldn't understand it, but it doesn't matter. I just needed it out. What got me to thinking like this? Unimportant.

Tara and I went to Mustard Seed today. I was pleased with my purchases. Very. I was generally very pleased with today. :) :) I like Bethesda. It's a nice place to just walk around.

Oh shit. Kenny HAS read my private blog!? How the fucking hell did he get there?!

What to do, what to do. Well, at least, we're talking, 'talking,' again. We don't really seriously talk in person anyhow. Just AIM.

No matter what I do, I make him feel like a shit. I'm trying not to, but without outright lying to him. 'Okay, Kenny. I'm sorry. Those four months in which I really liked you and could not let go, they were ALL my fault. You didn't do/say anything that would make me hope for what could be. You did ALL you could to get me off your back.' Mm, I don't feel like lying to appease him would help any. He'd probably, rightly, think it was all sarcastic anyhow. And then there's blog shit. Yes, he reads this sometimes, that's why I address him. But apparently he's concerned that what I say shitlists him to everybody who reads this blog. Nevermind that the point of my rants is moreso to retell how I feel and why I feel that way. But no, he's concerned with-- ok, I'm doing it again, aren't I?

Ok, how about this:

What am I going to do? Little fast slut that I am. Going out with John for the ass but I just can't help devilishly wanting to hurt Kenny over and over again. And so, on my blog, I malevolently plant secret 'hate Kenny' messages underneath my words. Poor martyr Kenny. He did nothing for me to attack him, as he is perfect in every way. And then, *gasp* I have the nerve to beg for his friendship? After all this shitlisting I purposefully do, I do not deserve the dirt he walks on. So I make myself feel better by fucking John.

Ok, the sarcasm in that probably just made him look like more of an ass, didn't it? So, what, I'm going to have to censor myself completely?

Mleh. In any case, Kenny, I'm sorry that everything I say on my blog that concerns you hurts you. I know you won't believe me, but listen. The parts of you that I love so much never gave me a reason to rant. That, and I wasn't comfortable going on and on about why I loved you as you are taken and all. However, complaints about you are a different story. If you take my thoughts completely by what this blog says, you are right in that I hate you completely. But you should know that that's not true. I love you, and that's why I'm trying to convince you to give me your friendship. I can't stand the idea of never seeing you again.

Does my blog make you think Kenny is an ass? Let me know.

On another note, I realized I mentioned Kenny. Ok. I admit to the secret taken guy being Kenny. *gasp* Ok, shut up. It's pretty much over now anyhow. Move on, no controversy over here anymore. :)

Well, I got a reply. I still maintain that I want to be friends. But apparently he doesn't want to. Or at least just doesn't think it'll work. I hurt him too much. :P What with all this shitlisting him on my blog and everything. I'm not taking anything of what I said about him on here back, now. They were honestly how I felt concerning him. But I will admit that anyone who reads this will get a one-sided view of him. And a bad view too. I'm not trying to make amends to him at all, for one thing, it wouldn't work. But it was brought to my attention that people are stupid enough to base whole opinions on only half the story. What I'm saying is -- don't do that. :P

In any case, if I lose him as a friend, it'll tear me up completely inside. It was bad enough when I lost him as the possibility of something more, I'm still on the mend from that. But there's just something worse about losing a friend. I'm still hoping though. I replied to his email, one of the questions trying to confirm whether or not he really didn't want to be friends. If that's true, then I'll stop pursuing it. He can't do anything about the hope though. That'll take awhile to kill.

With the exception of the Kenny/friendship thing.

Anyhow.

Oh yeah, by the way, Happy 4th of July!

Oh, ______ found out about John. I mentioned his name in reference to his early curfew as opposed to _______'s midnight one. And yea, he inquired (eventually, as I *blush* continued to talk about John) as to whether John was my new 'love interest.' I hesitated. For one, I didn't want to really tell him. It would just be... I dunno, and it would seem weird... it would just be complicated. For another, I knew my feelings were still confused. And it was soooo soon for me to have found another guy when the 'break up' (I emphasize the quotes) was just a few days before I met John and we started the relationship. But I wasn't going to lie, so I said the affirmative. And as I expected but hoped he wouldn't do, he gets upset and stuffy and cuts off before letting me even get a word in. Oh, well, he does come back to say 'Well, I guess it's easy to replace an asshole, isn't it?' But that's it. Well, yes, it is easy, okay? Happy? I sent him an email because I had something to say to him. I wonder if he actually read it. Still haven't gotten the requested response though. He's being irrational and childish, I think. I still want to be friends. Hey, it was his choice to not be anything more than friends. He chose her. It was his decision. He needs to stop being an ass and pull himself together. I mean, after all that hurt I went through being put on hold, he's got the nerve to be upset that I'm moving on? He's still got his fucking girlfriend. I don't deserve being kept in the lurch like I was. Clinging to every little bit of hope. Feeling overall not worth the time because at my most I'm only good for second-best. That's how he made me feel. I mean, we had so much fun together, that's why I fell for him and could not let go. But in the actual 'relationship,' it was... I dunno... the good parts didn't outdo the bad, I just didn't realize it at the time. I mean, maybe things could have been different had he not had the girlfriend. But we'll never know. And that's just too bad -- but life goes on.

I talked to him for the first time in a long while last night. It didn't go too badly. Though I ended up sore, confused, and guilty. See, I ended up asking him if he was still mad at me. And he replied with something like, 'Well, things will never be like how they were between us, Diane, so you'll probably forever think I'm mad at you.' Well, as if I wanted things to be back to how they were! Thing is, I do sometimes miss the way things were. So though at the time I didn't realize how hard that comment hit me at the time, I'm a bit sore inside thinking about it. It hurts. It left me sad, regretful, wistful, confused, and guilty. I mean -- John! Blah.

I replied with a 'Well, what was how we were exactly?'
'I guess we'll never know.'

I rolled my eyes at this point. It seemed such an overdramatic thing to say. I thought so at least. And I was just like 'whatever.'

I deadpan, 'Well :-P that's not the point -- I mean, we weren't just friends. But I want to be, I hope we can be. And then, it's just a matter of getting used to. Then it'll become the norm and I won't think you're mad at me all the time.'

He seemed more or less like '.. Whatever.' And then he runs. Something about work the next day. Oh well. I just hate feeling so confused though. I'm so torn. So conflicted over ______ and John. It's frustrating. And it's weird too. To be like, going through the getting-over process in the middle of developing a relationship. God, I hate being confused. I need to be with John again. It's good therapy, I say. Cause I'm better off choosing the path that has him, than the one that has the taken guy. I mean, even if taken guy and I do go back, it's just a load of shit. Cause it won't go anywhere. Not since he insists that he wants to stay with his gf or that he wants to go back to her during summer. The most I'd ever be would be a for-now. I do NOT deserve that. John, has good potential. If i could just get rid of my emotional baggage.

I'm spending alot of tomorrow with him. Almost the whole day. It'll be great. Most likely it'll clear up the confusion and shit I'm feeling.