I'm such a bad person.

Inductions were today. Inducted Chris Lee, whee! I hope he was satisfied with it. I love you, Chris Lee!

I wonder if it's worth it -- waiting three months. I wonder if he's worth it, really. I feel like he is, but there's also that self-protection thing going. Like, what if he ends up not wanting me anymore and I'm just really disappointed? What if it's a David all over again? Ok, so the question isn't really if he's worth the wait, persay. It's if he's worth risking alot of pain.

Of course, can I help but to risk it? Emotions, bah.

Ugh. I'm feeling sick. I don't think I can take a staying up all night. The feeling ill thing has incapacitated me. I can't do any work. Nauseous and headache and shit. Blargh.

I'm going to mix up my absolutely private blog with my public blog accidentally one of these days, and it will be hell breaking loose in Diane-world.

Heh. Yes, I have lightened up since earlier. I was pissed off. I've been feeling moody lately and I was missing a certain person's company. I misread his actions and being the pessimist I am, I took the worst possible scenario for me. So, I'm cool. It's all good. It's okay.

And so, fuck you. You'll never have me and you know it's your loss.

... Well, you know what, I don't care anymore. I don't need him. If he doesn't want to talk to me, he could have at least just said so and told me why. But if he's just going to avoid me, whatever. Maybe I'm reading into things too much, but I don't know. I don't really enjoy it when _friends_, good friends, of mine don't really even greet me. Or not talk to me for several days on end. But again, I don't care anymore.

Look, it doesn't hurt me anymore. So do whatever you want. But I'm not going to let you string me along as second best. Is this anger uncalled for? Maybe. But, I've been wanting to discuss something but you don't seem to want to give me the opportunity. Why do you seem to avoid me? No, wait, nevermind. I don't give a fuck about you anymore. You sure as hell don't give a fuck about me, or at least the friendship I wanted. So, go ahead, don't talk to me. I don't need you.

I didn't have to put aside MY feelings to make you feel better, you know. But I did because I cared about you. You were my friend. But obviously, that doesn't really mean anything to you. I would have completely disregarded my emotions and feelings for you, if you wanted me to -- but you said no. So don't say I didn't try to just make things completely platonic, with nothing to suggest anything more. You're being cruel, and maybe you don't realize it but nevertheless, you're being cruel. At least tell me what's up instead of making me just guess. If you just come right out and say it, even a full out rejection, that's better than this. Maybe then we could still be friends.

But no. You're being an asshole.

Asshole.

I feel so trapped by my feelings.

Diane has house to herself until Monday. Home alone. Empty house. Woo...? Nah, not unless I find people to share it with. *sighs*

A bit melancholy today. Shadman likes me. And I'm not interested in him like that. It just sucks. Oh, and don't tell me to give him a chance. I have been. I still am. But I don't know -- certain people I have this attraction to immediately, and he's not one of them. I feel sorta cornered sometimes. I'm no good at saying, 'I'm sorry, I don't like you like that.' So I'm kinda stuck. Last night, at Jessica's house, he was like all over me. Acted very possessive. And I tried to lessen it cause it made me uncomfortable. But like, by the end of the evening, there was no other group of people for me to go and talk to, to remain away from him. I mean, I didn't avoid him, I just didn't hang around him the whole time. He definitely wanted a hook-up. Meh. Not interested. Meh.

Guys suck. Or rather, I suck at dealing with guys. But you know, I'd never blame it on me -- therefore, guys suck.

Someone told me that even people who don't really know me at all know that my life revolves around _guy_ issues. Somehow, that's not an entirely pleasing reputation to have. Waaah. Unfortunately, I can't really deny it, can I? Oh well. I need another hobby maybe. ;)

I played basketball today with Noushie and Omeed and other people. Note to self -- exercise much much more. It was fun, but it made me sad that my stamina really sucks. Noushie told me that if I had started playing basketball when I was little, I could have become really good at it. That made me happy but also a bit regretful that I've become such a lazy ass. That I let myself become such a lazy ass. I really wish I could be more athletic. I guess I still could, but I dunno. I don't have the same drive for it as I do for the arts. Maybe it should be a resolution of mine -- to become more athletic.

Next year... next year...

Thank the heavens, depressed state over. Course, now I'm bleeding. Yeah, I knew my moodiness had to do with it coming close to my time of the month. So much for that.

So tired. Screamed 'men suck!' at David today because I had been ranting to Jess about guys, and was in a good mood, and decided to share. And yes, I am in a good mood. For some reason, ranting makes me happy. I was ranting because of guys, but also partially because I was tired and pushed to my limit with all the rehearsals and everything coming down to tomorrow.

Which reminds me:
You all have to come to the choral concert tomorrow! 7:30 pm. Estrojets performing 'I Will Remember You' by Sarah Mclachlan, with me as the solo. Also, Steam Heat is doing 'Zero to Hero' from 'Hercules!' See the culmination of my blood, sweat, and tears! It'll be good!

I am Vanilla Flavoured. I am one of the most popular flavours in the world. Subtle and smooth, I go reasonably with anyone, and rarely do anything to offend. I can be expected to be blending in in society. What Flavour Are You?

What am I doing up at 9am on a Saturday morning? Feeling depressed. I couldn't sleep. No, it's not because of coffeehouse. I had a wonderful time at coffeehouse.

It's just, I'm feeling lonely again. And at the same time, I'm giving up on my ever little hope that maybe perhaps something will happen. In other words, I'm letting go of him. It's not because all the things that attracted me to him don't attract me to him anymore. It's just, I dunno. She's back. I had always wondered how the crush got so bad because usually I have this automatic barrier sorta thing. Like, when a guy has a girlfriend, I don't get to liking him so much because he's taken. I guess it didn't quite function properly because she was away. But now she's back and the barrier is up again. So I'm letting go, albeit a bit reluctantly.

She makes him happy. I think it's just reality striking me today. Reality depresses me. I never had a chance and although I kept saying I knew that, I kept hoping. Hope can make you feel good sometimes. However, when it's hope that's just prolonging the hurt, it sucks. And of course, it's not a thing you can so easily push aside. Funny now how I finally realized what I really wanted from him. I wanted to love him and be loved in return. Oh well. Why him? Because I liked him. Alot. I don't want to love just anybody, you know. Hopefully the guys I meet in college won't be just anybodies.

I never found anybody to love and that's what I regret most about highschool. I know it's just highschool, but all the same. It just gives me this feeling that I wasted my time. Crushing on guys who wouldn't have me. Being picky with the guys who would. I'm tired of forcing myself to wait. I hate being picky. It makes it so that even if I agree to go out with a guy I sorta am attracted to, eventually I start focusing on the things that turn me off. So I have to wait until it's a guy I really really like. And so far, I've only knew two. And both I couldn't have. It's just, these major crushes... I dunno, I feel empty at times. And sometimes the crushes help fill the void. But it's hard to say. When I liked David, yeah, that was definitely true. I didn't even want to go out with him really. I just liked him alot. The fact I cannot say that about now makes things a bit harder.

Is it going to be like this for the rest of my life? The trouble is, I tend to really crush on guys who won't have me. There are just things about them that I can't resist being really attracted to. And I won't settle for anything less. Maybe it's this notion that I deserve the best? I think everybody deserves the best. But maybe I'm wrong about myself. Life doesn't seem to have that in store for me.

But anyhow. It serves no purpose to intrude on his life. Friends, nothing more.

Oh, yeah, and I cleared up prom stuff with Barry. I'm soooorry! I just didn't know him well enough to be comfortable with him. At all.

History exam tomorrow. *shiver* And Tuesday. *tremble* Have to get up and be at school by 6:30... *screams*

Well, at least I opted out of AP Euro. Yea...
Friday, I get up and leave the house around 10:30ish because I have to be at David Wolff's house for a rehearsal. IB senior madrigals are performing something for the senior recognition concert on May 23rd. I get to the neighborhood alright... but then, I get lost. Not all too uncommon, David tells me once I finally arrive, he himself gets lost too. Jess and Ben K. are already there and that's the whole group. So, it's like 11:45 by then and I'm like.. great, I've gotta be at school at like 12:45 for AP Euro... and it'll be like lunchtime and who knows how early I have to leave from here.. and I don't want to. Plus, David's got a cat and I'm all allergy-fied. He's got a dog too. Toby, I think. Adorable thing, pretty lazy it seemed. Besides that, I'm already getting credit from the IB History exam (which is tomorrow and Tuesday and arrrrgh). So I call up the IB office and say 'no Euro for me!' I don't regret it, really. I felt slightly guilty, I suppose but hey. I wandered around Bethesda with the group instead of testing. It was such a beautiful day. Poor David had sprained his ankle playing soccer so he was hobbling the whole way. He claimed it was okay, but I felt bad just looking at him. We went into Mustard Seed, cause Jess and I had heard so much about it. Nice place. Heheh, I tried on one of those butterfly 'shirts' just for the heck of it. If it cost less, I just might have went ahead and got it. ;) But it was like $30! So no go. It was a fun shirt. According to David, it made me look like a little girl. Riiiiiiight. Heh, it was fun. Then we wandered around and finally made it to our destination - Platos Palate. It's this greek place that's fairly inexpensive with good food. Home of the Ouzo Burger. Which wasn't all too bad. Did you know that David hates mayonnaise? That's like how Ruchita hates tomatoes. Weirdos. We also stopped by the paper store and a stereo store and a gallery for some sort of paintings... we wandered around. After that, we went for ice cream. Expensive ice cream. Good ice cream, but expensive nevertheless. Then we went to the Chevy Chase Community Center where we played around on the playground (I LOVE swings) and then played pool. Then Ben had to leave. Then the rest of us chatted a little bit with David's mom. Then we went over to Jess's house to play even more pool. Then David had to go. Then we got Kenny to come by and he played pool with us. And we played with Lance, Jess's dog. Lance loves me. :) We played a little with Jess's guitar, while Kenny was toying with the idea of joining us in the hot tub or going over to Tim Pskowski's house. Guess who won him over? Heh. Ahhh, hot tub. Course then, he kept trying to untie my top. I only have a two piece bikini for a suit now, I need to go bathing suit shopping. It was fun. Jess had an incredible fixation on this really dirty rubber duck which Ken and I kept tossing out of the tub. Yea, we were in there longer than the alotted 15min. Then David came back, stringing along John Rouse, Kseniya, and Amy Chen, wanting to play pool against Kenny. But no. Jess's dad came out and kicked us out. ;) And so, that was the day. I really enjoyed it. :)

what's your battle cry? |
mewing.net | merchandise!


Oh yea, baby. Drama intermission traditions!

Question: Is it common for females to get _very_ horny on the days following their monthly?

Now, two out of two females surveyed so far have answered an affirmative once they thought about it. Heheheh. Ahh, the things we take into consideration when we don't have school to worry about.

Buuuuut, it worked! Waahoo!

About my day, nothing interesting. Saw spiderman. Good movie. I liked. I found that Tobey got increasingly attractive to me as the movie went on. Heheh. However, I never warmed up to Kirsten Dunst. Oh well.

Please excuse any technical problems. I'm blindly trying to work through commenting stuff.

.. I'm confused.

Err... scratch that about the no comments. Just realized my comments thing seems to have disappeared. Hrm.

On a lighter note, Shadman asked me to prom and I'm going. Prom stuff is almost set. Just need to tell Barry no for sure and get a dress and all that prom stuff.

Eh. No big deal.

I went to see my brother's musical, My Fair Lady, this evening... *looking at clock* Or rather last night. It was a good production. And done in five weeks! I found that I couldn't compare it to Damn Yankees though. They were two different types of musical. I was impressed with the acting and characterization. Vocally, it could have been better. But then again, my standards are set by David and so forth. I really enjoyed the production nevertheless. But it made me sad and missing RM drama. Just a little though. I got to imagining what it was like backstage and in the dressing rooms. I tried to imagine me in that dressing room and acting silly and stuff like I do at RM but I didn't think that I could pull it off. I know some of the people at Blake, and it didn't seem to me like they were as open and relaxed. It was a different kind of feeling. I know I was just in the audience but still. It didn't feel like the same kind of group that I had/have at RM.

I really miss drama.

I get the least comments. :(

... Whew. There, blog updated.

I don't remember Wednesday much. Last day of real school. Busy as shit to get things turned in that were due on this last day of real learning school.
Exams -- not much to say. They were fine. Not stressing at all.

Today was so cool though. Last part of physics exam lasted from 8am to 9:30am. And so Elizabeth Gibson, Jessica Hollies, and I went to Barnes & Noble/Starbucks. I got two new books (Their Eyes Were Watching God & When We Were Gods [historical fiction about Cleopatra]) and it makes me so happy. I love getting new books. (Good birthday idea -- books or at least a giftcard to a bookstore; even though my birthday is past [02/15/84]... I still have graduation presents!) Then the guys joined us. 'The guys' consisting of David, Spencer, Alex, and Ryan. We all headed off and joined Rita, JSP, Justin, and Rachel Gitajn at Bagel City. I killed some time reading my new books at a park and then sleeping in my car, until school ended. I wanted to hang out with Noushie. And I had to turn in my AP exam money anyhow. But I didn't find Noushie, I found Chris Lee and I went to frisbee. Playing frisbee was too much for my lungs to keep up with in addition to the allergies and illness and crap. So I sat down and talked to Liz Hedges (sp?) for a bit. Rated the guys. (Kenny -- you look real good clothed, now you just need to work out to tone your body up ;) J/K) It was fun. Then after dropping Beth and Liz at Cal Tor and Chris at his friend's house, I went over to GPaul's where he, Yoni, Kenny, Liz, and I played a short game of pool. (Incidentally, I found out that 'Yoni' means 'external female genitalia' and 'gift from the heavens' and the like... hahaha) And then I was off to kill time again. And then Mara called and I went over and danced to Moulin Rouge. And then Kenny came by and we all went off the the Bethesda Naval Bowling place where we bowled and played pool. Kenny beat us both games while Mara beat me once and I beat her the other. And in pool, we played two games and the Mara/Diane team beat Kenny but only by default. First time, he hit the eight ball in prematurely and the second, he scratched during eight ball. It was fun. :)

All the while, I had been killing time to play pool at Elizabeth Gibson's house, but that never happened. I'm not disappointed. I liked it better this way.
It was a good day. I'm rather tired. You have to realize that this version of the telling of my day is somewhat summarized. It was actually quite a bit that I did today. I'm happy. :)

And then Monday was set strike. When the musical was officially over. I cried. And after the sobs ended, the tears just wouldn't stop. When I left, whenever I hugged someone, tears would stream down my face again and I would have to regain composure all over again. It took like an hour and a half or so for me to leave. What got to me was that during set strike, I sat down in the audience and just stared up at the stage as the people bustled around and the set dwindled away. And I grew nostalgic and thought of all the memories I had up there and everywhere in the auditorium and of drama in general. And I started crying. Before I really left, I wandered around for a bit. Looking at the woodroom, dressing rooms, and especially the guy's (now girl's) dressing room bathroom. ;) And then, I was out.

Tuesday, Madrigals went to UMD for choir invitational. It was so bad, we all had so much work to do. I was so stressed and tired, but like, there wasn't anything I could do about it so I decided to just have fun with it. And so I did. I was so happy-go-lucky and random. And so were most of the rest of the RM Madrigals. I swear, we are the funnest (English scholar part of me is thwapping me right now) and most attitudy group. It makes me sad that I'll be leaving it soon. So in the midst of singing One Day I'll Fly Away and I Will Survive and Build Me Up, Buttercup as well as other random songs, we rehearsed with the other choirs. We were so the most charismatic. And silly. And so perhaps they thought us weird. But hey, we have fun and that's all we care about. Mind your own business. I pity the fool who judges others when they could just be having fun themselves.

I was looking at the University's choirs and they didn't seem particularly enthusiastic or energetic, even when offstage. And I was like, 'Man, I can't wait to be in that. I could so be the Sherry Berg of the group. I could dominate!' Muhaha. How fun would that be?

I got home really late and had so much work to do. But I got it done. Tuesday was so good to me.

Senior Banquet, first of all, was so worth the thirty dollars I paid. It was like homecoming, except everyone was a senior and everyone had gone stag. Meaning, no particular obligations to stick by someone's side. So you could dance with anybody and everybody. It was so much fun. Wore my one-strap black shirt with the cool slit on the side with my long skirt. If I may say so myself, I didn't look half-bad at all. I love to dance.

I must say, I am so over David. I danced with him at banquet and he was just another guy to me. Just another friend. And then at cast party... Man, he was drunk. I was dancing on my own and then suddenly hands grab my hips. David. I turn around to face him and, yeap, his breath smelled like alcohol and his hands were roaming a bit... And instead of the usual 'Yay, he's dancing with ME!' I'm like... 'Err. Okay. He's dancing with me. Big whoop.' A part of that may be because he was drunk and that isn't exactly a turn on. It's not as strong a turn off as when a guy smokes or even smells like it, but eh. Alcohol is ok, but not particularly impressive. At all. Kate Nagle stole his keys and basically babysitted him the whole time. Smart thing.

I was so tired tho. I stayed overnight; mom let me drive! Course, she didn't entirely know where I was. I got home at 9:30am the next morning, but there wasn't even really any bad consequences. Can we say woohoo?

Ok. Yes, Barry is a sophomore. And yes, he asked me to prom. And yes, I tried to give him a chance. But really, honestly, we're barely even friends. We hardly talk other than 'hi, how are you, okay.' I drove him to cast party, to give him a chance and to see if we could be comfortable. But, at least on my side, it was a no go. I tried to make conversation, but it kept dying down. It ended up just radio. And, I dunno, something about his mannerisms weirds me out a little. Makes me uncomfortable. So, prom with Barry is a negative. Now, when can I get up the nerve to tell him?

Okay. Egads. Well, I promise you, this will be a looooong post. It's been awhile. I haven't had time!