Well, it's all over. Cast party last night/this morning. Sadness, but it's numbed a bit. At least. Barry asked me to prom. Meh. I'm doing work right now. I'll elaborate later.

Meow. Going to Senior Banquet tomorrow. *gasp* What am I going to wear?! At least I don't have to scrabble for a date.

Ken was rather pissy on Sunday. 1) He had worked for like the whole day. 2) He didn't like it when drama split up between Hooters and Silver Diner. No unity. I agreed with the dislike of the splitting up of the group. But apparently, he lost respect for everyone who went to Hooters, not because it was going to Hooters, it was because we had split up the group. That made me sad and I think he made too much of a deal about it, but I saw and understood his point of view. Oh well.

He hasn't been the energetically happy guy he was like a month or two ago. Aww. Well. Stephanie will be back in about two weeks or so, Ken. Hang in there! :)

Opening night two nights ago. Second performance last night. Both went superbly. Is that a word? I swear, I need to work on my vocabulary.

I missed going to the Diner after opening night but I decided to do the after-show stuff last night, no matter how late I would end up getting home. So Oz and Rachel Black pile into my car and we head off. Now, people had initially been split between going to Hooters or Diner but then Kate Nagle persuaded everybody to go to the Diner so that's where everyone went. However, it ended up being so crowded. The line was so long and stretched out into the sidewalk. So, half of us decided to go to Hooters, myself included.

Well, actually, I was indifferent. But Rachel Black was like 'I don't WANT to go to Hooters! Nooo!' And it was fun persuading her to go. Peer pressure, man. ;) It's not so bad. Nothing really happens there. Except for the occasional Sherry deciding to get up on a table and perform 'Whatever Lola Wants' in order to get more people to watch the show. That was great. First she gets up onto a stool and announces her plan to the rest of the restaurant. Then the manager comes out and leads her away and we're all like 'Oh no, Sherry's in trouble!' But no, she gets a mic. It was great. Got sorta off-key at parts, and it would definitely have been better with the music, but the point was made. Split chicken wings with Oz and Andy. Our Hooters girl wasn't too enthusiastic. But well, no matter the place, one gets tired of acting chipper and all the longer one works.

I feel so sluggish and out of it. Tired, not sleepy. She says as she stifles a yawn.

And by the end, it's 12:30 and the possible parental wrath finally makes it to my conscience. So I give Andy my money and pack Oz into my car (he lives somewhere on the way) and speed off home. I reach home at 1am. Dad's awake but he's all 'I'm not the one you have to worry about.' Yet, this morning, my mom didn't even know when exactly I got home. She asked me, and I just replied, 'Late.' 'Why? You had a performance?' 'Yes.' And then she goes on to express her amaze at all the stuff I manage to do. And so, instead of getting reprimanded, I get praised.

I'm addicted to being backstage.

Eh. Don't mind me. I'm cool. Bond/Whore day = fun. Heh. I feel pretty. Good mood.

I so get less coherent when I am in a good mood.

And man, am I moody. I say, it's the fatigue.

Me, who cannot get a date even tho madly desperate for one. Who cannot even simply find a guy friend to take her to prom. Anybody. Who only had like, one date for all of highschool. I'm going to cry again.

I suck.

I mean, I REALLY wish I wasn't me. I hate me.

I still don't think I'm gonna get to go. What? I still got one more month to find a date? Right. As if some random guy I've known for awhile or at least am very close friends with will just poof out of nowhere. Now, this is impossible as if he just comes out of nowhere, I wouldn't have been able to meet him before or become close friends with him. Sucks for me. Reaaaally sucks.

So, go alone.

No. I am not going to do that to myself. I'd be just as miserable as if I had not gone at all, sitting alone at a table and watching the couples dance. Or even not sitting alone, surrounded by couples. Loneliness while surrounded by people. Wonderful. Yes, that'll be shitloads of fun. And I wouldn't even get to dance. What, dance by myself? Oh yeah, that'll be splendid. And all the while, I wouldn't even be able to just relax and use the waste of time to sit down and sleep or just rest while others are dancing and having fun. I'd have to constantly put on a happy face so as to not ruin everyone else's night. So what if I'd be miserable for months having missed my senior prom? At least I wouldn't ruin it for the others.

But I really wanted to go. I really want to go. But I just can't go stag. And therefore, having NO possible date to prom, I just can't go to prom. Damnit people. I just want a guy _friend_ to take me. I don't want some romantic shit. I just want a friend. But no, too much for what I'm worth.

And again, I'm reminded of how nobody wants me. I'm just a flirt, friend, or one time fling. Nothing even slightly long-term, like a week or so. Bleh. I mean, my self-esteem is already pretty low, but I didn't think I was that bad. :( Guess I was wrong. Self-hatred now. I wish I wasn't me.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I really have no date options for prom. How depressing. Everybody is all paired up already. I'm not gonna get to go. That makes me so sad.

Tired. Drama cram. Soreness. Fatigue. Feet. Back. Exhausted. Still don't have a prom date. But focusing on drama so it doesn't hurt for now.

In any case -- shameless plug:
Come see the musical, Damn Yankees! Starring Ben Kingsland, Lara Supan, David Wolff, Kenneth Arcieri, Sherry Berg, Steven Shema, and Rachel Black. It opens this Friday and Saturday at 7:30pm. Next Thursday is the matinee at 2:30pm and then there are more evening performances that Friday and Saturday (7:30pm).

I'm in the chorus, plus I'm one of four devilettes. I demand that all of you show up at LEAST one night.

Wait. It's past midnight. ... Workshop performance is TODAY.

Workshop performance tomorrow. ... I'm falling asleep. Why don't I go to bed? Why don't I want to? Why am I home alone? Wait, why AM I home alone? I wonder where everyone is. I hope I didn't miss some important family thing. Whoops.

Heh. Workshop rehearsal today. It was all half-heartedly done. Then we went to the mall for a bit. (Noushie owes me $37 dollars, about -- I keep forgetting to remind her to pay me) Then we went to Noushie's place where I got molested at least twice and straddled Pejman. Only around the knees! That's not so bad at ALL! I mean, really. It's not like I was up around his hips or anything. I mean, he did 'accidentally' grab my chest. The second time I got groped was by Noushie's little cousin. Reached up and rubbed her hands up my chest. Normally, that would be okay -- she didn't know what she was doing, she just wanted my attention. But I had to laugh because of the earlier incident with my chest. I must have unintentionally placed hand magnets there or something today.

I am SO tired. So sleepy. Zzz. I could have sworn I actually had some profound thought-processes at least a moment ago that I really wanted to place on my blog. But alas, my memory sucks.

Soooo tired. Feet rather sore. Hm. I actually had something profound and not guy related to say... but I forgot what it was. Heh. Figures, hm? ;)

Is it just me or do I become less eloquent when I'm in a good mood? ;)

I have to say that this actually has been one of my better (best, maybe even) spring breaks. I got to stay home! I know, I know. It sure seems a good break, especially with all those sad, depressed posts. But you have to keep in mind how people tend to want to talk more when they are feeling low. I know I like to keep ranting. When I'm happy, I have nothing to complain about. So I don't! ... But I do have things to say other than complaints! Really!

Like, I can describe this weekend at least.

Yesterday, Saturday, workshop performed at Mary Washington College in Fredericksburg, Virginia. At the multicultural fair they were having. I got to dance, act, aaaand rap. Right. As if what I did could be considered that. Heh. Learned the first verse of the rap thing, or at least tried to, in like twenty minutes or so. To say the least, I fudged up a bit. But Mehrnoush was backing me so it was alright. The acting part came in the 'Choices' dance. I got to yell at Mehrnoush and then pretend to cry over her death at the end. I don't think I did too badly. Considering that I'm not much of an actress. Noushie said I did well, at least. The 'Black and White' dance was fine. Especially since I kept remembering each step at the LAST second. I had to learn it pretty quickly.. but then again, the dance isn't too hard. Then 'Abuse' was up. I still didn't get the flip done right. But, oh well. I'll practice it some more this Saturday anyhow. We've got a performance on Sunday again, but this time in Fairfax.

After the performance. Well, going both ways I was stuck in a van full of guys, with the exception of Gayle (sp?), Sahar, and Mehrnoush. It was paaaacked. And even more so on the way back because we had to stuff in an extra person. And he was in no way small. Anyhow, we went back. Noushie and I went around to Blockbusters to find a video she had to watch for school, as well as making a stop for some donuts. Then Shadman called and we decided to meet at Starbucks (on his promise that he had to buy me coffee if we meet him there; he held through ;) Woo, free coffee!) and we invited the guys too. The guys were playing basketball and we kept going back and forth to Dogwood Park to annoy them. Ok, the ones playing basketball were just Pejman, Jason, and Dorian. It was sooo cold and Noushie insisted that they stop. And they did! The last time we came to bug them, they were gone. Though, we did come by three or four times. Heh. Basketball freaks. It turned out that Anoush (sp?) had picked them up. We called Pejman's cell and they all joined us at Starbucks. Mistake maybe... they were sooo loud! But it was so fun. Noushie and I were tired but it like gave us (or at least me) hyper energy. So I was soooo silly. I got my free coffee. Heheh. I really like workshop. I think I may continue, even when I go to college.

Today, Donna had her confirmation. Little party at my house. I didn't mind this time because it was my Dad's side of the family and therefore, people I like to hang out with. Chris is pushing to go to UMCP. He got a full ride to UMBC but he doesn't want to go there. He didn't get into Stanford but he's not all upset about that. He actually wants to go to UMCP, and I think that would be so cool. We used to be the bestest (I love my english) of friends when we were little. I'd like to hang out more. It was cool. We had a nice conversation today. *gasp* A family member who I can stand! We related on family (We want out! Definitely staying on-campus!) matters and school stuff. He gets out of school like two weeks earlier than I do. Graduation is like May 24 or 29 or something. His prom is May 24 or 29 or something.

My cousin beat me again -- he got a girlfriend before I got a boyfriend. I don't know details but still. I mean, I'm not seriously pissed off or anything. It's just that with how we're so close in age and stuff. He turned out to be a cool guy. I wish I knew him better though. We're cousins! And used to be very close too! Tsk. It's a pity that we grew apart so much.

I cried again today. Not about him. About how I am oh so lonely. Heh. Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I be happy all the time? Why am I so moody? Sheesh. Morning was alright. Had to do some damage control with sibs, but even that didn't bring me down. Mara made me happy. I was happy. Then I come home, alone. And I start thinking again. It didn't start off bad. I realized how lonely I was. Friends? Yes, I have friends. Close friends too. Many friends. Cool friends, nice and caring and fun. But I still don't let them in too deep. I mean, I can't let myself cry or appear too depressed when a friend is around, in person. And I don't even do that intentionally. I feel fine, seriously. But then they go away and the pain is ever present. Maybe that's cause when they are here, I'm not lonely so it doesn't hurt. Well, not lonely enough to really hurt. I do put too much value on relationships. I just want to experience the romance. At least ONCE. I mean, I always hear from my friends about how great I am... But why don't I get asked out? Why am I only flirted with AFTER I put in the initial effort? Why doesn't anybody want me? Why doesn't anybody want me enough to try to gain my affections? Maybe I'm just not worth it. Probably. Hopefully I'll find somebody who thinks I'm worth the time and self-risk. If I don't, life sucks. I am not going to live out my life all alone. I'd rather end it when i'm in my thirties than go through years of lonely suffering. Maybe euthanasia will be legal by then.

Dark humor. Honestly, I'm too big of a coward to do that. But seriously, to hell with what they say about how people can live fulfilling lives being single. Loneliness kills me. I know I will spend so many nights alone in my bed at night, staring up at the ceiling, trying not to let the tears come AGAIN. I will try to pretend, to fantasize, but I will know that isn't enough. I will long for a spouse, for children, for a family of my own and it will drive me mad. Eventually, the desperation would probably get me into a relationship which is in no way a healthy one. I would know it, but by then my standards would have deteriorated until a homeless beggar would be good enough for me.

I say this all calmly, but that's only because I just had a good cry about it. And this is probably all irrational speculation, but whatever. I'm depressed. I'm always depressed but sometimes the happy stuff overrides it. Like earlier today. And yesterday. I think I'm just naturally sad. No, that's not true. I don't know. It's complicated. I'm often depressed, but there are happy times and there are times when happy stuff overrides the sadness. Or the sadness just hides somewhere, I don't know where. I don't know what's with my emotions. They're weird. I'm weird.

I think people don't see me as anything long-term. Just one-night stands and shit. ... That sucks.

I'm a Water Spirit


Love, emotions, and relationships fill your days. You are constantly thinking about others, especially the ones you love. Others consider you a romantic and a fool. You give yourself to others, but don't give too much, even the breadmaker must eat.

... Great.

Hello. Mara.

Heh. Hi Noushie too.

And while I'm at it, I may as well say hi to Kenny. He said he didn't read my blog anymore but apparently he tunes in every now and then.

Today was cool. Woke up at 11:40 exactly to be told that I had to clear out my bathroom in 20 minutes. That pissed me off. I wanted to sleep more (till like 5pm) and I hate last minute demands. Plus my sibs were mad because I was sleeping and they were too lazy to want to pick up the phone. But it's all good. Noushie called and we went out to eat and hung around and watched a movie (Moulin Rouge) with Jess joining us for the movie and Mara joined us and we went to eat at Cal Tor with Pejman, Omeed, and Sahar. And then Mara is sleeping over. Hi Mara.

I'm feeling better than I did last night. Hardly hurt at all today. And when it did, it was slight and very short-lived. I think that cry definitely helped alot. That and having fun with friends. I wonder how I can be so moody. Seriously. Like, you'd think it would hurt most of all today or something. But it didn't. I even thought about it and almost tried to get myself to feel bad. But I didn't feel it. I was slightly sad, but it was okay. Whereas yesterday... I don't know what happened. I was even in a good mood initially. (I got a new shirt -- I owe Mara $20 cause my card didn't work; stupid card!) That always made me happy. But then... Course, now I'm not alone. Last night I was alone. And at home. Hrm. But I don't think so. I really don't. Cause yesterday it hurt, just towards the end of the day, even when I was still shopping with Mara, or at least driving home. Come to think of it, I'm not sure how much of the 'happiness' yesterday was real or not.

Am I really in a good mood now? Definitely. Like, with the group of people, I was silly and laughing and was not forcing myself at all. I know I was forcing myself yesterday to not feel too bad. I had to put effort. Not today.

What did it? What led me to the first time I'm crying over him? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't have any answers. He's made it clear -- he wants to stay with her. He's going to stay with her. Why can't I move on? Why do I still hope? How can I even maintain hope? I say I acknowledge there being no chance. But in actuality...

I miss him. I'm going to miss him. I hate it. But I do have feelings for him. Crying, I hate. But this time, I think I actually needed it.

... And I'm in a good mood again. It must be the cycle.

... As long as he's happy.

I'm hurting. Badly. Very badly. Worse than ever before.

On a completely unrelated topic: Go Terps!! National Champions, woooo! Yeap, I've become a fan of the Terp basketball team. Heheheh. Next year, I'll be able to go to the games. Jenny tells me I HAVE to get her a ticket to one of these games. Ahh, college. Man, I want to be in college already.

Heh, I've relaxed much since Sunday. Things didn't get weird. And things apparently won't get weird with him, or at least not easily so. Which is good. I think that's about the worst thing that can happen between a guy(friend) and I. It tears me up so much. That's what really hurt with David. Well, yea, I liked him, but I could have been perfectly content being good friends with him. But no. He had to be all awkward and stuff. I guess he couldn't help it, I suppose. Too much to ask to act normally around a person you know (sorta) likes you, maybe. Do I have high expectations? I didn't think so, but maybe with David I did. At least in this aspect.

______ on the other hand exceeds my expectations. And now, even though these expectations about him have changed, he still manages to surprise me sometimes with how cool he is. Now see, HE can be normal around me. And HE knows for sure that I like him. I told him. I didn't tell David.

Well, okay, so maybe our dynamics are different. They are two different guys. The way I acted with David when I had that crush on him was probably different than how I act with _______ now. Course, he makes it easier than David ever did. Maybe that hornbag side of him helps... ;)

Which brings me to another point: I wonder if all of his side to this friendship is just lust? ... I want to say no, for sure. But, well.. I know I'm naive and too trusting of what people tell me or want me to believe. Just too trusting in general. I mean, otherwise I wouldn't be voicing (blogging) such things that go through my mind when I know people will be seeing them. But it can't be. He's not that kind of guy. Not that kind of asshole who would toy with a girl just to get some play, to satisfy him while his girlfriend was away.

But do I know him that well? I'm on the verge of asking him about the lust thing... and I'm not entirely sure why I am hesitating. We're friends. We've always had this open communication line between us... sorta. I think I need to grow up and try looking at this situation, at this 'friendship,' without the biased view of a lovesick teen. Things aren't so cool in this friendship. He doesn't talk to me about his problems -- well, he's a guy and that's what he has his best friend and girlfriend for anyway. What he does is listen to me and occasionally offer support. What else isn't so cool? ... Why am I even doing this to myself? It's a good friendship and I don't need to be shooting holes in it just to try to be objective about the whole thing. Why focus on the bad things? I should just be happy and enjoy what I have. I suppose it doesn't help that I am a pessimist by nature. That's what happens when I sit down and think for awhile.