... Valentine's day is coming up. Hell, even the thought simply gets me depressed. Why am I so lonely? Hell, nobody wants me. Fuck life. Why is it so fucking hard for me? Fuck Shit Damnit. I hate the world.

... *yawns*

See which Greek Goddess you are.

Nothing to say today. Gorgeous weather. Went all over the place. Top down on convertible and everything. Broke now though. Tired. Feeling the need for 'intimacy' with some guy. Heh. Any takers out there? J/K. Not that desperate. Not yet.

I know what I need now. I need someone to hold me when I get like this. Boyfriend, close friend, anything. I need someone to give me a hug when I feel like crying. When I get frustrated at my life. It seems to me that although I tend to be affectionate with my friends, I hold them a bit away as well. Probably nobody but me sees this. But what can I do? Demand that my friends hug me and stuff when I get upset? Most of the time I don't even let my friends see me upset, at least face-to-face.

Yet again, I find that life sucks.

I'm so tired. Today was not too great. Mom's birthday. I admit, I forgot, but whatever. I wanted to go ice skating at 3:30. I would have been home by 6pm. Or rather, it was possible. But no. I would have understood it if we were going to do some mom's birthday stuff during that time. But we didn't. Waste of fucking time just sitting at home. And then it came up during dinner how I am so restricted and shit. And I was like, 'You know, every single time I want to go out, I have to end up crying and upset in order for you to let me go.' And they were literally like, 'Yeah. You can't discuss it or argue your point. Sorry.' Hell.

Well, on the good side, Sandi and Chris are *woohoo* together now. Glad things worked out for them. Now if only I'd get myself together...

Ahh... should I even mention Sandi and Chris Lee? It's not really any of my business. But now both of them have talked to me about it. I wish I knew for sure what I should tell either of them. I only knew for sure that they shouldn't let this ruin the friendship. Mistakes happen. And though Chris' mistake was a bit of a doozy, they had a close friendship that would be terrible to lose. They have to patch things up. But will things be the same as it was before? I hope so.

I am so sure that things well end up fine that I would be rather traumatized if it didn't. I wish there was something more I could do than say whatever I said to either of them. Though, chances are that my advice sucked.

I love you, Sandi! Things will be alright. Not every guy is a jerk. But every guy will have their jerky moments.
Chris, I don't love you just yet, but you can get there. Be considerate! And I understand your point of view. I just also understand Sandi's. And I'm not holding anything against you. I just want you to do what you should do at this point (if you haven't already). You should know what that is. :)

The hell? What's wrong with blogspot? Can't read blogs... *growl* That's incredibly annoying.

Five day weekend, baby! Woohoo! Hell, I'm in a good mood tonight. Despite ending up skipping two parties to have a movie marathon with the family. Not like I intended to. Turned down one party because I had been invited to another first so it had precedence... then felt too lazy to get up from the couch and stop watching Rush Hour 2 to get to the party. Ended up watching Jurassic Park 3 too. And Fatal Error. At the moment, Buddhist Fist is playing downstairs, funny martial arts movie from what I'm hearing of my family's reactions... but I decided to opt out.

Yesterday was cool too. Had a bunch of people over for a small after-exam get together. I must say, there's a special thrill that comes when you're driving around with a full van. Heh, there was a thrill for those being passengers... but I think it was more fearful than anything else... I'm a good driver, really! It was crazy though. The group consisted of Dena, Ruchita, Hank, Chris Lee, Sandi, Mehrnoush, and Mara for the lunch part. Interesting crowd. It was so fun though. Though I'm not sure if the inane running around the parking lot performed by Hank was necessary or not. Then we dropped Mehrnoush off at home since she was feeling tired and not too well, she hadn't been feeling well like all week. Then we went off to my house. Thinking about it... Dena, how did you get home? I drove you to my house... but you left early and I remember believing that you were gonna drive home. So you were picked up? Heh. I feel ditzy. Played pool and listened to music... Lara, Christina, and Chris Conroy showed up. As did Jess and Amy Smith. And Ben Evans. And Ben Kingsland and Amy Gitnick. Not necessarily in that order. Oh, and Natalie popped by as well (She left early; and bumped her car into my mailbox on the way; heh). Watched American Pie. While trying to keep Hank and Ben Evans apart. ;) Heheheh. American Pie was cool. Crude. Kept slightly worrying about family popping down to have a peek at what was goin on. Heheh.

On the whole, a cool day. :)

Waaah. I was so depressed yesterday. Not so much today, thank God. Hell, what was up with THAT? I think it was the lack of rest and everything coming together to make me emotionally unstable. Buuuut, I just woke up from a veeery nice nap. Aaand, I'm hungry again. I went to Fuddruckers earlier with Mehrnoush. Cool place. No really. I was surprised. I think I'll take the group who's coming with me there on Friday. Speaking of going out to lunch.. I wonder if I'll find someone to come with me tomorrow. Noushie is going to pop by, I'm sure. But we need another person. I would like a change of pace.

Blah, I'm supposed to call people today to tell them the official time of 2pm. (Vague? I know. Meant to be.) But... where the hell is my directory?

Argh. French test tomorrow. Man is THAT going to suuuuck. I think I have a double-B. Either that or a B-C. Which sucks ass. Crrrrap. Math test today. Not too bad. Had an A-B. I hope against hope... Heh. Man, I really would like an A. I got an A-B in physics too. But hell will freeze over before I can pull off an A on the exam. Ohhh, maybe someone will like to study with me tomorrow! Now, to actually make some phone calls... I hate the phone. Oh, don't get me wrong. Without AIM, please call me if you'd like to chat sometime... I just... hate the phone. :P

Noushie told me today how she observed how alot of IB students, not all, are very clear-cut. They're like either one way or another, not like a blending of the sort. I'm different in that I'm so much more complex. I dunno if I see that. I tend to think that people are at heart very similar to one another. We're all complex, and all that. She used the fact that I may be more complex to reason how I have trouble getting a boyfriend. *shrugs* Well, whatever. It was somewhat comforting. But I'm not that depressed about being single anymore. :)

Waahh... Ok, I got to get to studying now. And eating dinner. And then calling people. I am so bad at this get-together sorta thing. Too bad people don't just call me... heh. Oh well. :)

I'm so friggin lonely. *sighs*

Blah. Why do I suck?

On a side-note... I should be studying for math. Heh. Talk about screwed up priorities.

Blah. Thinking about my boyfriend (or lack of) situation has sorta driven me into this funk. Sheesh. Why is it so difficult for me to get a boyfriend that I'd be happy with?

Course... then I imagine David singing some of these songs... and realize how I'll melt. But I'm going to pound it into my head how much of an egotistical jerk he is. And how I'm going to refuse being one of those girls obsessed with him. Ugh. That whole deal disgusts me now.

I'm also resigned to the fact that I'm not going to experience a serious relationship during highschool. It's alright. I'd like to experience it, but whatever. It doesn't look like it's gonna happen. The guys I know, the ones I even consider(ed) as a possibility of going out with, are either not working out or not going to work out that way.

But whatever. I'm not gonna stress it. I've got good guy friends. And that's good enough.

I'm listening to the Damn Yankees cd. It's got really good music, in my opinion. Meaning, unlike Carousel, it'll be a very cool musical. :)

Hi Jess!

Hrm. I don't find that to be accurate at all, really.

I'm The Internet-Addict Test!

I love in-jokes, especially if they help highlight the marvellously geeky cultural differences between my internet clique and the rest of the world.

Click here to find out which test you are!

Hah. Finally found a commenting system that I could use. *hinthint*

Translation for the dense: Comment :)

I love flowers. How ironic that the last time I received flowers was sophomore year and instead of increasing my feelings, it doused them. So... I love flowers, but there has to be a reason for them. And the timing has to be right. I love flowers. Roses.

Mm. I sent David an email saying how I wanted to get to know him better. And I emphasized how there was to be NO romantic connotations. Seriously, I just meant it all as friends. Course, knowing him... 1) He doesn't ever check his email and so it will be way outdated 2) He'll get weirded out and read into it and everything.

I regret sending it but you know what, I'm tired of being afraid of him. Big whoop if he starts being awkward and shit. He's rather pathetic if despite my reassurances he gets all freaked out. And I really don't need him in my life. I have everyone else. :)

Grargh... I need to be back at school or something. It's like an addiction to people. Yeah. I guess I am a bit histrionic. :P

I need to move on.

I wish this laptop was mine. It's sooooo cool. Then I could install AIM here and talk to friends wherever I go. Cool portable modem thingy.

On that note, I love you, Ben(s), Mara, Noushie, and Jess. Oh and Liz too. Grr, Liz. We haven't hung out since the beginning of the year. I'm gonna kidnap you one of these days. ;)

Last night, I had a brief bout of loneliness/depression. It's not important enough to go into detail. I think I'm the type of person who needs to always be surrounded by people. I don't even think of boyfriend stuff when I'm around a friend(s). Unless boyfriend stuff comes up in the conversation. But then I get home and I'm lonely for a relationship again. You'd think that the way I am when I have friends around would be the same when it's with family. But it's not. Not by a longshot. We don't have relationships with eachother. We just live in the same house. A coexistence. I don't even care anymore.

I'm so going to miss all my friends once we all separate and go to college. No matter what anybody says, there'll be some that I will lose touch with. Not my cloooose friends, hopefully. Like, I'm sure I'll keep in touch with both Bens. And Jess too. And Liz Zhang. Noushie too, at least until she graduates too. Depends on where everyone goes to college too. Distance does alot. But like... I know I'm actually going to miss people like David and Kenny. GPaul and Lara and everyone else. I'm just so used to seeing them like every day. I guess my worst nightmare is just suddenly everyone disappearing completely out of my life. Especially if I never had the chance to say goodbye.

Clingy? I suppose. I've just become so attached to these people I've known for years now. Funny. Middle school, I hurt myself cause I didn't let anyone in because I thought they might hurt me. Kinda ironic how I've let like everyone in and may suffer for it.

It's snowing. Booya.

You know, it really sucks that I can't get to AIM anymore. At least for a loooooong while. If anyone cares, or has nothing else to do, and sees 'FTLofMoses' online, tell him that I say 'hi' and that I would greet him and talk to him myself if not for the fact that I can't get to AIM. Waitasec... it's a weekend. I think I can get on on weekends. Meow. I wonder if Chris is on... I still have to get him to reintroduce me to the guys-I-knew-in-elementary/middle-school-and-turned-out-mad-hot blairites. ;)

*yawns* Great. Now that hell week is over... I want something to do. *mutters*

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/disorder_information2.html

Hah! Triumph! Discussion not revolving around David!

... er. Damn. ;)

Note: (to Ben Evans) We need to hang out more often. Since I cannot get to AIM, I don't talk as much to you. Like maybe during lunch or something.

I am so content with the friendships that I have made (and have been making) this year. Like, David is not really JUST a romantic interest like in years past. And Noushie and Mara are better friends. Not to mention how close I've become with Ben Kingsland. And Ben Evans is a good friend too. My social group doesn't revolve around Jess anymore, like it did last year. And that fact makes me so happy.

Heh, and I no longer am starved for affection. Steven is nice for that (Yes, I know he's gay, that's the point, he knows I'm not interested in that way :P). And so is Hank and Seth and my other guy friends. For some reason, I can't do any of that friendly stuff with Ben/Ben or David and be comfortable. Maybe it's that once-had-interest kinda thing. :P And also the fact that I like to make sure they are aware that I would not do anything to come between them and their gf (as if I could :P but still). And I hug girls too. :P It's friendly affection so why would it be restricted to just guys? Heh. To think I used to be so stiff about making sure people knew my sexual preference. I'd like to think I've become less homo-phobic.

I still wouldn't kiss a girl. Even though everyone knew it wasn't serious. Or even pretend to kiss a girl. I'm just not comfortable with that.

Hrm. I didn't mean to post that. I meant to end up with...
'Oh yeah, Friday I got French illustrations due too.

Gah. Opera company needs to get cracking. We're way behind schedule. Set dec needs to get to work. Desperately. Heh. Funny how we thought Jess was leader, though she claims she was not. *shrugs* Whatever. Manpreet has designated me to be in charge (I haven't mentioned that to Jess) and so she's gonna call me sometime this week to discuss the project.

Then, Shakespeare club is behind too. Glah.

Not to mention a cappella group and steam heat rehearsals overlapping. *sighs*

Heh, but this is the kind of 'busy' that I enjoy. I could soooo do without the tests and paper due this week.

It's exactly a month from my birthday. I'll be eighteen in exactly a month. Yay!

You know, sometimes I wonder if David doesn't every now and then consider me. *shrugs* He pretty much called me a 'player' the other day. Heh. Makes me wonder if the way I think he is (i.e. lack of commitment, etc.) is the way he thinks I am. Which in turn makes me wonder other things about how he thinks. Wouldn't it be funny if all along he was interested in me, but didn't want to show it for fear of humiliation and for pride, like I do? Ahhh, the irony. Well, it could be. I mean, it's struck me before how similar we are in interests and personality. Not to mean, we're exactly the same -- we're definitely not. It's just... maybe he does the same thing I do.

Hrm. Bleh, explanations aren't my forte.

Oh, yeah. Friday, I got

Lessee. Tomorrow, physics test. french retest. Shakespeare rehearsal, maybe. A cappella during lunch. Thursday, math test. Physics problems due (#1). Friday, ToK paper. Physics problems due (#2). I can't wait for this week to be over.

Heh. Inductions were today. I got a star! Woohoo.
I also was reminded of how sweet Mike Ratpo is. Awwww. And he's so cute too. He's such a nice guy. Sucks that he's got a girlfriend. ;) A friend of mine agrees with me. Heh. We discussed him for a bit today. ;)

Congratulations Mara on becoming a thespian! Heheh, I love Mara. She's so fun to talk to. Congratz to Amy, Tara, Sandi, Ruchita, and whoever else I missed. ;)

Am I being unreasonable to ask for a bit of help? *sighs*

Well. David is back. He got highlights in his hair. They're okay.

Mm. Showcase was great. My best performance of my solo. I felt so proud when I was through. :) :)

As for school stuff, ugh. I'm just so stressed. Like, Sunday, I couldn't take it. I finally finished up my NYU application and asked my dad to take it to the post office to send it off, overnight. (It was due today.) Course, he makes a HUGE fricken fuss about it. So I storm off. I was like, damnit, can't you at least help me ONCE?! Course then, he decides to help me. After I breakdown in tears.

I hate that that's what it takes for my parents to actually give me a hand. I shouldn't have to be pushed so far for a little help. It's just... I've been trying so hard to do EVERYTHING on my own. And I can handle most things. I had handled everything that I needed to do on my own. I just ran out of time to do it myself so I had to turn to my parents this one time. And though it was like the FIRST time I asked them to give me a hand with this school crap, they become annoyed and highly reluctant. Jesus Christ! There's really only so much I can do!

Hm. David was gone. To Miami since Wednesday. It's cool. Only problem is -- I'm finding that I miss him. Enh.

Mm. To those who I usually chat with on AIM... I won't be able go online much at all. Internet connection is being zilched. So, if you ever want to talk, something I'd like to do, just give me a call -- 301-384-0379

What am I doing here? I have nothing new to say.

Hrm. Alright might as well. Warning. Shameless plug...

COME SEE THE WINTER SHOWCASE!
This saturday (January 12) at 8pm at Richard Montgomery HS. I'll be performing a solo. 'I Don't Know How to Love Him' from Jesus Christ Superstar. It'll be great. And that goes for everything else too, not just my solo. ;) We've got some really great singers and funny one-acts.

Of course, it figures that whoever comes to read my blog partakes in the showcase so much good this will do. Ahh well. Word of mouth can do wonders anyhow.

Btw, I did not form my 'ideal guy rules' around David.

Hrm.

David:
-- Can sing
-- Somewhat attractive, in my opinion
-- Has a sense of humor
-- Outgoing/Flirty
-- Stubborn/Argumentative - soooomewhat
-- Intelligent - heh, soooomewhat; no, kidding, he's smart

I dunno if he's really affectionate. My experiences with him may just have been when he wanted some ass. :P

So. Does that explain it? You tell me.

Ideal guy for me:
-- Can sing (I've been finding that this has to be necessary...)
-- Somewhat attractive, in my opinion (*sighs* I hate having to put this down, but it's true...)
-- Has a sense of humor (easy; that's all my guy friends)
-- Outgoing/Flirty (I don't have as much fun otherwise...)
-- Stubborn/Argumentative (Heh. I seriously LOVE an argument. And it has to be a good one. One where either of us have problems backing down...)
-- Affectionate (duh; but not so that it smothers me)
-- Intelligent (not necessarily an IB dork or anything like that, just not... well, you know what I mean.)

I think that's it. I place an emphasis on Outgoing, Funny, and Stubborn. Oh, and Intelligence. I almost tied that with being stubborn/argumentative... but then I realized a person could be stubborn and stupid. The 'can sing' one is just something I had to add. I swear, after David is out of my life, the next guy I will fall deeply for will have just as great a voice. See, I'm a romantic type. I would love to be serenaded at some point in my life.

I have changed so much from my Freshman year. Gods, I cringe now when I remember 'back when.' Although I regret some of the changes that occured Junior-Senior year. I mean, yeah, now I think I'm much better as a person and all. But I have become so pensive and serious. Mature, if you will.

Ok, specifically, I miss the times when I would let myself flirt like mad. Especially with David. That was fun. Now, I'm missing the affection. I kinda hold everyone at arms length now. Am I becoming that distant? I mean, I like how I'm making closer friendships and all. I have several people I can go to talk to. But I miss the fun I would have just flirting. But my heart just really isn't into the fluff anymore, I guess.

Great. I think I may actually be ready for a relationship now. Wonderful. Just when I don't have any opportunities. Ok, I lied. I had a couple this year. Just... Andy? *shakes her head furiously* Noah? Gods, I like him, he's sweet... but... he's so quiet and shy. Not argumentative/stubborn enough to 'handle' me. :P

Ok, obvious question: Am I jealous of Mehrnoush?

Hell, yeah. But only slightly. Well, what do you expect? I've liked this guy for a long time. But as I keep repeating myself, I am perfectly content the way things are. I hardly know David but I have fun with him when we do hang out, so I'm fine being just friends. In the meanwhile, crushing is fun too. However, I won't let my crush on him get out of hand -- for example, if Mehrnoush changes her mind and decides she is into David, I am not going to become petty or anything. It's cool. And I'm not just saying that. When I thought he liked Lesley, or Elizabeth G., I was fine. I even became better friends with Lesley and Liz. Maybe even a bit more comfortable around David. (Which doesn't mean I wasn't relieved when I found out that he just wanted to be friends -- give me a break.)

Disclaimer: My world _honestly_ does not really revolve around David. I cannot emphasize that enough. He's just the most interesting thing I have to discuss.

I wonder if Mehrnoush has come to agree with me yet when I tell her that David likes her. I could swear by it now. Of course, I've been wrong about it before. Well, I'll give her a call later. Maybe I'll give David a call too. Hell, why not? We're friends. And plus, I also would like to get around to talking about hanging out more -- remember the whole wanting to get to know him better? That's all, seriously. Don't read anything into it, because that's all there is. I just hope he doesn't think anything more of it. Why am I so paranoid about it? Hell, if I'm going to be so paranoid I might as well not call. He's not worth it.

What is the problem?!

Well. At least my extended essay is done, finito. Turned in and everything.

Yeap. I knew it. Cramps. Boo.

I know why I'm in a weird mood. It's near the 8th. Today is the 6th. Yeap. Around now. Gonna be feeling crummy. Boo. Only reason why it sucks to be a girl.

Oh wait. I am sick. Temporarily at least. I hate tummy aches.

Gods, I'm in a weird mood.

Nothing to say. Tummy hurts. I want to get to know David better. I don't want him really, I realize -- I don't really know him. Heh. I just have so much fuuuuuun with him and the idea of him. You know what I mean? Sometimes it's fun to pine over a crush.

So you ask -- why him to crush on then? Maybe cause I unconsciously know it will never happen but in the meanwhile he'll keep me strung along for it to be interesting? While others would either be all for going out with me or flat out turning me down.

Oh, rationality.... Don't worry it'll pass.

Okay. There. Gone. *feigns a swoon* Oh, David!
Heh. Sometimes I make myself sick.

Hi Ben. :)

Grrrr. #%$#%@

I just found out that my mom let my sister sleep over at her friend's house. Bitch. After all that bullshit saying, 'No, we just don't sleep over at anybody else's house.' $^%$&#%$@

I hate her.

Speaking of Jess -- I'm finding so much less in common. Plus I'm finding faults that I'm losing tolerance for. Like her judging people before really knowing them. I mean, I'm not saying that I don't do that too, sometimes you can't really help it. But she's the type who will snub people and treat them in an inferior way if she doesn't like who they appear to be. I've seen her do it. :( She acknowledges it, at least to some extent. And knows it's mean and she's trying to change. But it's like a habit. I understand but she still does it, and I don't want to criticize. That, and she's been getting these annoying fixations. Like the name Estrojets. Get over it! It's just the name. I just want to get to the singing part. Whatever.

Most importantly though -- I'm not really feeling like she's my best friend anymore. If anyone(s), it'd be either Ben. I can talk to them and not feel inferior. She doesn't pay much attention to me at times and does make me feel inferior. She can be snobby. :( But whatever. Mehrnoush and Mara are becoming close friends too. And that's cool. Really cool. :) I really enjoy talking to Noushie, cause I like her advice and we can relate and everything. She and I have lots in common too. Though with enough differences to be fun. Jess and I aren't all that similar really. I think she finds me clingy. And I am to some extent, but I can make my own decisions too. I just really like hanging out with my friends. *shrugs*

Mehrnoush and David and I went to Starbucks today. 'Course, Noushie was the one who had to invite him. Yeah, I know I'm pathetic. I mean, we're friends right? We should be comfortable. But noooo. Or at least, I'm not comfortable. At all. At least in inviting him out, even as friends. Whatever.

Jess joined us after a bit. To tell the truth, I didn't want her there. I feel even more uncomfortable around David if she's there. It's odd. Well, see, she knows about how I feel. And I don't want her to see me flirting or anything with David. I dunno why. It's just always been like this. I guess I'm so self-conscious around her. Which is not really good.

Can't stay on for very long. Or at least shouldn't. Course, I'm being stupid.

New years was fun. Went over to Jess's house. Had invited Noah, but he didn't/couldn't show. Too bad. I was disappointed. But oh well.

I'm over David as much as I can possibly be. At least until he is out of my life completely. Which doesn't say much -- I emphasize 'as much as I can possibly be.' I still like him like mad. I think he likes Mehrnoush though. She asked me why I think that, but I didn't know. But whatever. She has a point tho when she tells me that I should just act normal even when he's around -- that's who he liked last year so why change? It's just hard. She also calls me pathetic for not being able to ask him to join me/us to like trips to starbucks or whatever. Whatever. I can't. I'm afraid of things getting awkward again. But I really would like to get to know him better.