.... Interesting. Now that's a new year's resolution that I could follow...

Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be?
Quiz

I seriously hate the family. I don't feel like going into detail now. Too depressed.

I'm in a fair mood. On a scale of 1-10 on attractiveness, I've been rated 8-9 by Emi, Natalie, and Ben E. Not bad. I am pleased. Ben E. rated me up there too on personality which is doubly cool.

Feeling as of now: Forget David. :)

I'm probably exaggerating but... I've considered it before but at this age... Well, I know I can't possibly really know, but I think I'm in love with David, at least as much as I can be at this age. And I hate that fact. I'm still perfectly content with how things are now -- just friends. (Tho it bugs me that when we're alone he seems uncomfortable.) I just hate feeling this way. Cause I know it'll never happen. I just wish there was some other guy I could be really interested in.

Nothing to say. Tired. Can't think. Can't sleep -- coffee. I want to talk to someone.

I need to go buy Christmas presents. Desperately.

Did I mention that on the scale I'm about 7.9? Wavering slightly but holding up. I think I did mention it.

Mhernoush and I are becoming like really close friends. And Mara too. I'm having so much fun. It's great. :) I'm so happy.

Gods! Mhernoush doesn't think she's attractive. And get this -- she thinks I'm gorgeous! Talk about bad taste. Ughh. :P I kept arguing with her. Like, how can she not think she's attractive at all? David hits on her and he doesn't do that unless he likes how a girl looks. She is so hard to convince though.

We have so much fun, despite the abusive relationship. ;) It's all playful anyhow.

About the nympho thing --

Yeah, I'm planning to wait. Best until like after marriage but depending maybe also if I'm just in a long relationship, etc. etc. Buuuut... I cannot say I would resist of someone I really liked *coughcoughDavidcoughcough* were to, one hot and steamy night, try to get into my pants. Problem is I'd probably regret it later. Worth it? Ennnh.

Thank god David can never even dream of pulling something like that off.

Christmas break!!!! Wheee! Gods. So much crap to do. But thank god no school to deal with.

I reeaally shouldn't have gotten that last coffee.

I wonder if my nympho- comment has gone to the archives...

... I just mentioned it again. Crap. Oh well.

Mhernoush. Mehrnhoush. Mehrnoush. Gods. How the hell do you spell her name? I'll just call her Noushie.

Nooshie.

Gah. Can't even find a way to spell that!

Damn, my feet hurt. I really should have brought a change of shoes. See, Mads today sang for a retirement home (during school) and then in the afternoon at Montgomery Mall. I didn't figure I'd be wearing those damn heels for thaaaat long. It was fun though. Shopping with Mehrnoush and all. (Grr. I bet I spelled her name wrong. Sorry!) Crrazy girl she is. But she's so fun. After singing, she, David, and I went to the food court. She didn't do it on purpose but jeeze she kept leaving me alone with the guy. After we finished eating, we lead David to where his car was -- except it was the wrong place! We were like, oops. Wrong one. Should we go back to get him and bring him to the right place? -- Naaah.

Hahah.

Then we talked as we shopped. I told her the whole deal about David. And it was fun cause it was a new perspective. Not the usual 'he's a jerk' 'forget him' etc. etc. Just listening and understanding and all that. But she's gonna tease me now. Not in front of him, of course. But she's got that to hold over me. I like having her as a friend. We've become so much better friends now and it makes me so happy. :) :)

Oh well.

Sooo tired. Fiiiinally went Christmas Shopping. I hope my secret santa isn't disappointed with her present. But hey, I've decided it is only part one. I'm going to add another one that she'll receive either at New Years Party or when we come back from break.

Mara got me those cute little kiss kiss bears. Awwww! I love you Mara! But gods, you're hard to shop for. I still dunno what I'm gonna get you. Still haven't gotten you a present. I'm sowwie.
I got Lara's present though. :) :)

Ahhhh! *shrieks as her senses return to her* Jeeze. What was wrong with me?!

You know what. I figure, I'm a nymphomaniac with morals. Basically, I'm obsessed about sex, but planning to wait until I get married.

I wonder how much controversy if any this will spring. 'Diane! Nympho- you put that on your blog!!' I wonder how much I will care. I'll enjoy the attention. I also wonder how long this will sit on my blog before I come to my sense and delete it. Heh.

I still have that incredible desire to grab David and make out like mad. Thank God he doesn't read this.

I'm going to take a nap again soon. Even though I slept for a full 12 hours last night. Still feeling tired and sleepy and overally weak.

Steam Heat, considering the circumstances, went very well. Heh. I flashed the audience and the tag came out of my sleeve, but eh. It was fine.

Ahh. Right now, at home. While everyone else is.. *checks the time* in sixth period. Muha. Well not so much. I wanted to go to school. Just feeling very weak and my brain does not seem to be well. Woozy and all that. Sometimes minor headaches. Not a good thing.

It's better than yesterday when I could not see periphally to my right side. At all. It usually predicts a migraine. Which I proudly held off. At least until I dozed off in my car (not while I was driving!). I didn't manage to hold off the nausea though. Didn't puke though. My dad came to pick me up. Actually, I was fighting to stay at school because I was worried I wouldn't be able to come back for the concert. But I was feeling so bad, I had to go home. I did get to the concert though. Despite feeling slightly dizzy and out of it (even during the steam heat dance) I felt okay enough to perform.

Btw, those of you who read this and disagree with what I say in comparing myself to David... I think you probably don't know either David or I well enough.

It's depressing sometimes to think about how similar in personality David and I can be.

7.9 on the Over David scale!

Well, that's gonna go bye-bye once David starts hanging all over me again. And he will. I know him. I can't criticize. Cause I do the same thing.

See, the way I figure it, he is probably confused about how he feels or whatever but doesn't want me to stop being interested. I do the same thing. Take Ben E. for example. Like last year stuffs. He liked me but I wasn't sure of how I felt. But when he decided to stop being 'strung along' (which I hate to admit that I did to him) and went with Amy S. I got pretty jealous. Course, I didn't like redouble my flirting or whatever. ...Course that may be because he had a girlfriend, and that's different than just losing interest. Come to think of it, I may be doing the David thing with Noah. Crrrap. I don't do it intentionally.

And maybe David doesn't either. *sighs*

Hrm. Second time the damn blog lost my post. Grr.

Second dream was merely one in which I find that I've been cast as a guy in Damn Yankees and getting all angry and grumpy and upset all over again. 'I'm a girl!' 'So what if I could just dress up and play a guy! I don't want to do that!' Etc. Etc. Pft. Boring. ;)

Ok. First. The one involving David.

We're onstage. (Minor note -- Amy Gitnick is there too. She's leaning on me with her elbow, like she sometimes does. She snickers in response to some of the things said in my convo with David, but otherwise does not do anything.) So yea, I'm talking to David. (His back is towards the auditorium seats, mine is towards backstage) He's wearing this black/grey/white sweater, his leather jacket, khaki pants, and brown shoes. The usual deal. I'm doing the usual affectionate stuff like I used to do last year. I slip my arms around him within his jacket, sometimes all around him or just on his sides. Sometimes he would remove my arms from around him but leave them placed on his sides. And sometimes he would put my arms around him. Heh.

I think I know what this dream means.

Gahhh. I had typed up one of two dreams. And this stupid blog thing lost it! Grrrr.

So I'm feeling so much better today. Heh. Had a Steam Heat rehearsal. Not bad. Finally cracking down. Still worried for the level of preparedness on Tuesday. But whatever.

Afterwards, we were talking about drama and people in general. Heh. It was good to get things off my chest. Like stuff about Jess.

She's like my best friend. And I feel so bad but... Well, I agree when people say she thinks she's better than she really is. That's pretty much what it all is. :P Her voice isn't thaaaaat great, in my opinion. Aheh. Gods, I just feel soooo bad. Btw, I'm not saying my voice is better. For all I know, it's probably worse. I'm just saying.

Okay. So here goes.

Before I left to see the movie (which was with Andy, his friend Merritt, and Sally), I called the number for the cast list. And was surprised not to be on it! I hadn't even considered not making it to at least chorus! I didn't do that badly! I thought I had done fairly well in fact! SO I had to conclude that Ms. Krebs didn't cast me b/c she wanted me to be props chief again. I thought 'That's NOT fair!' Majorly pissed off I was. And rather depressed. Heh. Driving that night was fuuun.

So we watched the movie. It was a good movie. If you were in the mood for it. I was in an okay mood for it. I would have liked it better if I wasn't so pissed off. Andy warned me that Merritt had just finished chemo and that his hair was a bit weird so I shouldn't make fun of it. Now, 1) I _never_ crack jokes at anybody's expense unless I know them _reeeeaaally_ well and they would know I don't mean it. 2) It wasn't that bad. But whatever. He was very quiet. Graduated from Churchill last year. I thought he was cute. Turns out he's got a rough case of leukemia. :( He's gonna be going to Seattle soon. (I heard all of this from Andy after Merritt left) I wish him all the best of luck.

Anyhow. The movie ended at 11 pm. I was supposed to be home then. Course, at that time, I didn't give a damn. What with casting and all. Grrrr. So all four of us drop by starbucks.

In the end I get home at midnight. I liked that. I don't like having to come home early and stuffs. Not that 11 is early, mind you. It just seems like everyone else just has to obey provisionals whereas I have the additional parental crap.

So I'm driving home. I had called Jess earlier (after I had found out I apparently wasn't in the cast) b/c I desperately needed some cheering up. She spewed out something about the list being messed up and then sorta blew me off. I was mad about that. Still am... _KINDA_. But whatever. I decided to see if she was right. So (while driving -- I know, baaaaad, but again I didn't care) I call the list again. And what do you know? I AM in the cast. A chorus part but in the cast. Woohoo! I was like 'THERE we go.' I knew I didn't do THAT badly during auditions. At least I didn't think so.

I'm so lonely. I want to talk to somebody. Desperately looking forward to movie. Ugh.. what time is it now? Only seven! I'm spazzing.

... no. not really.

Going to see a movie tonight though. Should be fun. Not another teen movie.

Callbacks were enh. Felt a little disappointed afterwards. But no big deal.

Heh.. the enh feeling also got me to almost desperately want to grab a guy (specifically David) and make out with him like mad. Crazy.

Crush season. Definitely.

I'm soooo exhausted. Therefore I don't have much to say. I hope I'm considered for a role in Damn Yankees. Today was the dancing and speaking part. I didn't do too shabbily, I think.

Awww... but the competition is so tough. And I don't think they like my acting. Well, whatever. Lara said I was a natural in acting. But again, whatever. I tried. I would have been extremely pissed off if I didn't.

I auditioned today for the musical. At least just the singing part. It was enh. I wish I was as confident and talented as Sherry or Lara is. Oh, I hope I'm considered for a role. I don't really want to do a crew.

Officially rid of the third wheel. :) Andy found a girlfriend. So I can relax.

Now, to deal with David and Noah. This is/will be significantly harder. As if it was so easy as to just choose one or the other, I would just choose David. But I know that chances are I don't have a chance for a relationship with him. But then again, you never know. So I can't just drop him and go for Noah. I like Noah.

Enh, whatever. I'm just in too damn good of a mood to worry about this crap right now. :)

I regret not going to the MCYO concert with Noah and David. Noah invited me to go with him and I was going to go. But when I heard David was going with him too, I got all anxious and everything.

I think too much. I'm such a dork.

If I were a work of art, I would be Pablo Picasso's Three Musicians. I am colourful and provoking, always looking to break out of the mould and to pioneer new ways of doing things. I have a jaunty outlook and although I am a bit weird, most people have some idea what I'm about. Which work of art would you be? The Art Test

I've been feeling really blah lately. In other words, lonely. Not even for a guy. Just in general. Problem is, I don't want to be around people. Ok, maybe it is for a guy. I don't want to talk. I just want to be quiet and cuddle and stuff. *sighs* I hate this. I've lost interest in the flirting and not meaning anything by it. I'm so much more serious nowadays. But I don't really want to be. Stupid cunundrum. :(

I'm unhappy.

DAMNIT.

Witch #5, I am! Congratulations Dena and Seth on making Lady Macbeth and Macbeth!

Now, today a cappella auditions. I hope I made it. Course, I won't know until Monday. I did pretty well for me. I was actually relaxed too. Instead of the shaky nervous cannot sing for all my trembling kinda thing.

So... now I have had reading audition practice (Shakespeare) and singing audition practice (a cappella). I don't need dancing audition practice -- I'm in Steam Heat! So I should be fine for Damn Yankees auditions. Not to see that it's a sure thing that I'll get in. But I should be more relaxed about it. And thus have more fun with it.

Macbeth auditions weren't all too bad. Enh. I suppose I could have done better. Whatever. I just want to be a part. Sure, Lady Macbeth would have been a great role to have. But, again, whatever.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that History Spence quiz is friday too. *dies*

Schasdherfitch. Tomorrow Macbeth auditions. Thursday, a cappella auditions. Creative writing due. Friday, physics retest. Ben's birthday party. Saturday, Piano. DDR. Sister's Birthday. (Dodger!) Monday, World Lit 2. Damn Yankees Auditions. Opera(?).

Can we say PANIC?

Gods. Someone asked me today, 'Diane, why are you living a soap opera?'

Dude. You're asking the wrong person.

I got to thinking. I think one of the reasons I like David so much is because he gives me such a hard time. I think I like the chase better than the prize. It's frustrating, but under it all, I'm probably enjoying it. I mean, there are better (more attractive, funnier, more sensitive) guys out there and I've had the chance to get with these kinda guys. But I don't. I turn away or reject them. Why? Apparently, I'm choosing David over them. Heh. That, and I don't want to get in a relationship with another guy while I know full well that I'm anything but over David. That would turn out pretty fucked up. I would end up hurting the guy and probably lose any chance of friendship. I did that with Ben K. Don't want to risk that again.

Heh, so I find out Lesley has read my blog. (Hi Lesley!) It's not really a bad thing, but I'm fairly embarrassed about all of it. My blog is really where I vent about my problems, which as of recently has been all about guys. And so, I seem guy-obsessed, specifically, David-obsessed.

Now, I may be infatuated with him, I admit that (somewhat reluctantly), but there is more to me. Course, you can't tell by my blog. But I mean, I'm not the type to log on and drone about my daily life. Talk about boring.

Well, whatever. I'm still not going to limit how much I rant. That would defeat the purpose. I'm not going to censor either. I just hope my audience doesn't betray my trust. (You know, by spreading this to people you know I don't want to see this.)

Macbeth auditions are tomorrow. Fairly nervous now.

Ok, I won't admit it.. ok, I'm admitting it now, but whatever... I really would like to have the part of Lady Macbeth. Sometimes I think, hey, it shouldn't be so hard. I'm not that bad of an actress. Where's the competition anyhow? But then, well, see, again, I'm not that bad.. but I'm not that great either. Booo.

Jess says that she doubts that David taking my hand was more than just a physical thing.

*sighs*

See, I trust her opinion a fair amount (even tho she tells me not too; she's often wrong).. but it's warring with my feeling (and hopes) about it.

You know, I think I should stop going, 'Ohh, I'm just going to lie down on my bed and rest for awhile... just going to close my eyes for a bit... I'll get up really soon.' I ALWAYS end up falling asleep, and with my contacts still in. Yuck.

I'm beginning to think it's not a good thing to try and rest for a little bit if I have shitloads to do. ;)

It's happened at least three times, twice in a row.

I'm sure there is. It's just more fun to complain about guys than anything else.

Hrm. Is there anything more to my life than guy problems?

I've been thinking...

(Brace yourself, when I'm thinking.. it's almost always a baaaad thing.)

I can't really expect a long relationship with David. It's not one of his characteristics -- the capability to have a long relationship. Come to think of it, I'm not even sure it's one of _my_ characteristics. At least in this point in my life. I can't imagine having a long relationship with David. Or with anyone else for that matter. Course, that may be because I can only imagine having a relationship with David. Schasdherfitch.

I can't see myself and David acting all couple-y, actually. I for one am not really the type to act couple-y. I'm complicated.

Have nothing to say. Nothing to say. Bored out of my mind. Wonderful weather for tonight. Have no plans. Nowhere to go. Booooooo.