You know, it is impossible to completely be indifferent or indecisive. And I mean _completely_. I mean, even if everything you decide to do is somebody else's decision, you are deciding to follow that decision. Everything you do is a decision. You decide to go to school. You decide to wake up. You cannot be completely indecisive.

Why that had to be said, I have no idea. Just popped into my head. And I felt that my readers needed a break from my guy problems. So I just posted the first inane thing that came to mind.

David was the last person to kiss me. Just realized that. I need a kiss.

Today was fun. Stayed afterschool for frisbee. Didn't play, was wearing heels. But no matter, I don't like playing much anyways. I was waiting around for Jess, and hanging around was cool too. After frisbee ended, several of us just hung around. Jess, Lesley, Cristobal, Ben Evans, David, and I. It was fun. Kept joking about how small David's penis was.

I got picked up by Ben and he and David started tossing me back and forth. Grr. Then there was that time when David started holding my hand... Heh. Funny how when Jess started talking about how he had so many chances to get a girlfriend but never goes through with it.. except with a couple possibilities, he let go. Whatever.

Oh wait, Asderfitch + whore + Schnikes = Schasdherfitch.

Assderfitch.

I've been feeling really subdued lately. Not much energy. I think it's cause drama is out for a bit. Jeeze. I got more done when drama was taking up all my time. Now I'm doing nothing. *mutter* I hate being inactive. Feeling rather lonely again. Wish I could spend time with David. Even just as friends. I like hanging out with him. I miss Noah too.

It's probably just wishful thinking but sometimes it seems like David is interested. Bah.

I don't think I'm ever going to really warm up to Andy. He's nice and sweet and all... but he kinda intimidates me. Like Jess said, he has a response to everything. I'm all like 'Uhh.. yeah... I have a reply... just can't remember it.. at the moment...'

Still sorta fixated on David, but it's not overwhelming anymore. It's getting easier to just talk to him and stuff. I'm not trying to read his actions anymore. I gave up on that. ;)

You know, whenever I log off the computer, I almost immediately go 'damn, THAT's what I wanted to put on my blog.' There's been something I've been meaning to put down...

Again, I can't remember it.

Almost made it to 4. Almost. Back to 3 though. Heh.

I have to say, I do actually enjoy this. Life is too boring without problems. When life is perfect, you get paranoid. Yea, I complain, but that's half the fun. Hahahah.

I miss hanging out with Noah. :P

Hrm. Just as long as David, Noah, or Andy keeps away from reading this blog...

Note: Yes, I know how personal this is. I'm fine with people knowing. Just as long as the people involved don't hear about it. Meaning, I trust those who read my blog to keep it to themselves. Maybe I'm naive... but I trust you bivalves. Or you half-valves. Whatever.

My life ought to be a soap opera.

Well, according to Noah, David probably would say no if I asked him out. Course, also according to Noah, he changes opinions _rapidly_. Great, Noah. Thanks alot. I'm _still_ stuck in limbo not knowing what to do. Or what I should do. Or what I want to do for that matter.

I wonder how Noah feels. I think maybe he's gotten over me. I know he was still interested, like, last week or so... Whatever. I don't need another side to this...

On a lighter note -- I got ddr!

I still like David alot. This whole Andy thing hasn't changed that at all. Like I said, it's a _steady_ 3.

Gods. How awkward was last night? I feel so sorry for doing that to him. For turning away. I just couldn't do it. Especially with how I still feel about David. I don't know what to do anymore. How am I going to ask David out now? I don't want to hurt Andy. I just don't know what to do anymore. And I can't just forget about David. Cause I know how I feel will come back to haunt me. And it might destroy even the friendship I have with Andy. Gah.

He came over tonight. To watch a movie. Legally Blonde. I don't know what I'm doing. He wanted to kiss me but I turned away. Said I still had things to work out. Some unfinished business. I wasn't over another guy, I said. It was true.

Gods. David. Andy. What am I doing?

I smell like Andy...

Jess had told me to not go for it if I'm not particularly interested. Similar kinda thing (minus David) happened to her last year. By that I mean Andy getting interested and all that. And it just ended badly. Like, she couldn't stand him anymore. Couldn't stand him!

Later on, after thinking about it, she took it back. She did have a kind of bias so I was already taking her advice lightly. Like, Andy and Liz did alot of stuff together but nothing happened. It all depends on how far _I_ want to take it. He's a sweet guy. So I'm gonna do what I was already planning to do without Jess's advice. Just wait it out. See what happens.

I'm pretty sure Andy is interested. I think maybe he was going to ask me out but whatever.

With all that David stuff going on, I'm not particularly interested, unfortunately. But I'm not aversed to it either. I'm just kinda uneasy with that kinda thing. Cause I'm worried that my attraction towards David would kinda ruin the whole thing. Whatever. Andy's a nice guy.

I don't know what's going to happen but I don't think I'll be able to just sit back and like him from afar like I had been for the past few years. I've changed that way. I'm not that afraid of him anymore. I just like to wait for 'opportunities,' of which there are so few. I figure I'm just going to MAKE opportunities.

3. It's a steady 3. Much to my chagrin. Now, I'm anything but through with him. I'm even considering asking him out. I just want to talk to him. Hang out with him. Whatever. Just do stuff with him. I've got it so bad... again. Back to the old cycle.

I need to talk to Noah. Or Andy. Doesn't matter. Just not David.

8.7

8.3

Wavering.

No biggie. I'm through with David. I'm refusing to get back into that cycle. _Even_ though I keep thinking about that _one_ dance. It was just being pressed _completely_ up against him and him wanting me to be that close. Bleh. I'm through with him.

It's only a slight relapse. See. It's fading already. Slowly, but it's fading. Up to like 8.1 now.

I'm so tired. I still keep thinking about that one dance with David. Damnit. Get over it! Just one dance and already I'm up in the clouds again. Noo. Not gonna happen. Not letting it happen. I'm through with David! Really!

Noah never came to see the show. Even though he promised to. Grr. I'll have to talk to him about that. I'm a little annoyed, not quite angry. Enh. Whatever.

Hah, cast party was fun. Last show was our best night for Fools. 204 people! Yay! I like, freaked with almost every guy who was dancing -- including David. I was just having fun though.

He wouldn't let me go. Like, while dancing I'd just go up to a guy and dance with him. Not for very long, you know, to not let them get the wrong idea, and then move on to another one. Aheh. I wasn't going to approach David. And I didn't. He started it. And then wouldn't let me back off. He had his hand on my back and held me full up against him and firmly too. Until the song ended.

I'm not going to read anything into it. But he got me back down to 7.5 last night. And thinking about it got me down to like 5.7. You know, on the scale of being over him? Right now, I'm back up to 7.8. I'm refusing to get dragged back into that cycle.

Meow.

To top it all off, I now have to buy Amy sushi. Grr. David cost me my free pho!

I seriously believe I'm done with him. Not to say that if he were to show interest that he wouldn't eventually wear me down. But it would definitely take time. And he wouldn't spend the time. Jerk.

On a scale of 1-10, 10 being completely over him, I'm like 9.3. No joke. And I'm not just in denial either. Just thinking about all the stuff with David makes me more disgusted with myself. I just finally found my hatred for him.

I'm through with David. I'm sick of how he makes me feel like I'm not worth the time. Cause I am. And other guys think I do, I know they do.

See, today, he was supposed to work on my crew. He said he would. Amy bet me that he was just lying to get out of class and I took her up on that bet. It's just sorta humiliating to find out that I was wrong.

Jackass. I'm sick of waiting around for him. I kinda always believed he wasn't really that bad. I mean, well, maybe he doesn't mean to be degrading, but he is. And he's the only one, at least to me. I don't think he's worth it. Not anymore.

Sheesh. How embarrassing. I had NO idea people were reading this. Aheheh. Well, I'm still gonna stay honest. I'm trusting whoever reads this to keep this between his/herself and me, okay?

I feel so alone. Gods, I hate it when I feel this lonely. And I'm back to pining over David. DAMNIT. Why am I so attracted to the one guy who won't give me any attention?

I want ddr!!!

I got a 1500 on the SAT I that I took in October! That's soooooo cool. I mean, it's not a score that I expected. I even beat Jess (she got a 1490)! I beat David too (he got like a 1480).

Speaking of David, I'm pretty much back to the 'I-like-him-but-don't-need-him' stage. The normal situation. I still really like him, unfortunately. Kinda dooms a relationship with Noah. My feelings about David are always changing. I mean, I thought he liked Elizabeth Gibson (this time at least) and I didn't really mind. But when Elizabeth tells me about how she and Ryan got back together, I was rather happy. Course I was probably wrong about David and Elizabeth. I mean, never can tell with him.

But oh I wish I would let myself flirt with him.

I need to post more often. I just keep forgetting.

The play Fools opens this friday. Heh. So not ready. But whatever. I got props pretty much down. I have a higher tolerance for Ms. Krebbs now. Well, since I'm pretty much ignoring alot of what she tells me to do. Heh. Now it's the freshmen who take things overly seriously and blame me for their mistakes and downfalls that seriously piss me off. Grrrrrr. Damn Snetsky. Little bitch. Whatever. Drama is still fun, tho, and that's all that matters to me.