I'm a flirt. I admit it. I don't mean any serious harm. But I found that one of my guy friends seriously liked me. As a result of how I act. And I could only think of him as a friend. I can't help the way I act but I guess it is somewhat of a problem. But it's how I have fun. I like teasing them and cuddling my guy friends and everything. I'm an affectionate person, to say the least. Do you think that's wrong? I'm sure there are others like me. But alot are called sluts or whores. Makes me wonder what the others think of me. I never really thought much about how I flirt before. It was just.. I guess.. the shock of Ben asking me out. I knew he was acting somewhat.. friendly... towards me. Moreso than usual, at least. But I had always pushed the thought of him liking me like that aside. I told Jessica and she told me a whole bunch of guys liked me when the fall play was being put on. She gave me the example of this guy named Eddie. She had asked him if he liked me and he said, 'Yeah, she's so hot.' I had no idea! So imagine my reaction when she told me that. I guess I'm oblivious to how I act towards guys makes them feel. Am I putting them on? I don't mean to. I guess it's sort of cruel. But it's... what I do. It's me. I'm a flirt. I guess behind it all could be loads of insecurity about myself. But I'm not sure. I think too much. And you know what? Despite all my 'maninizing,' I'm pretty lonely. I'm in love with this Canadian. He's miles from me and I only know him online. And I know I shouldn't care about him this much, but I do. The only problem really is the distance. We want to meet... but, hell, he's eighteen, I'm seventeen... how the hell is that going to go? But I'm the kind of person to not stress about how things work out. I don't do that often at least. ... Yeah, well... I think I'll go see if Kevin is online.

Last Saturday (March 3), I had the wierdest dream. I started off in this old shack surrounded by a chain-link fence, not unlike those you would find in one of those resident evil kind of games. I was spying on this priest guy who greatly appeared similar to Cornelius from the movie The Fifth Element. He's talking about something and I decide to follow him. He leaves so I enter the room quietly and jump into the ceiling. Quite a feat, considering my height. When I'm up there, however, I can stand straight up in the supposedly cramped ceiling. I creep along and eventually come to this large temple kind of room with dark brown or grey walls. It's a circular room and to the left from where I came in, there's a bigger hallway. In the middle of this room, there is a big pedestal with a sort of throne on top. There are all these chairs that surround and face the throne in several rows too. The throne and the chairs are wooden (dark brown, meaning) and bolted down. At this point, I go through several scenarios. There is a T-Rex/Human thing that is standing on the throne and I have to kill it. Out of nowhere, I get this multitude of weapons and he can't see me when I don't move but it's really hard, nevertheless. I can't run back out because then two raptors get me. And I can't just keep staying still cause then the raptors come in and get me again. I shoot at the Rex/Human (His name is King), but he just lunges at me and kills me. When I die, it's just like 'Ahh, teeth!' Then *poof* and I'm back facing King again. I tire of this so I decide to just take off to that hallway to the left that I had described earlier. Cornelius pops out of this side room and grabs me.
'What are you doing here?!' he asks. I'm kinda weirded out by the scenarios so I'm unable to answer. He ends up going to King and pleading for him to let me live. 'You let me live, and she's such a better person than I am so you should let her live' is pretty much what he was saying. King finally agrees and we become friends actually. Guess I forgave him for all of my deaths. So I go out and find myself in this casino type place. Right next to me is Kevin. Except... he's asian. And he's thin, got a mustache, and spikey hair. In fact, today I saw someone who looked just like dream-kev at school, except Kev was taller. Rather... disturbing. Anyhow, we're with three of his buddies, all asian and we're walking across this huge parking lot. Kevin kisses me and I can remember how it felt even. An SUV comes up, apparently with no driver cause Kev's two guy friends get in front. In the back, Kev, the driver's girlfriend, and I sit with Kevin in the middle. I rest my legs in his lap and so does the driver's girlfriend! I get jealous and so does the driver but the driver's girlfriend shrugs the driver off while Kev pins me and we make out. :P
Somehow, we all end up walking once again and we come to this carnival. My family plus my grandfather is there and he sees Kevin and I. He asks me, "Is this your boyfriend?" I'm too embarrassed to reply but Kevin answers, "Yeah, her left one." Thinking about it now, I don't know what the heck that meant. We go inside and play some games. I'm very self-conscious as I play because I don't want to seem bad at all in front of Kevin. I realize that I had forgotten to put on my contacts on and was still wearing glasses. So I swiftly swipe them from my face before Kevin looks at me again. Big feeling of insecurity there. I get really excited after awhile and pull Kevin along, explaining that I want him to meet King. We go to the temple (which is now connected to the carnival although we had driven/walked away from the temple) but King isn't there and I look for Cornelius (losing Kev in the process) but he's not around either. I find myself back in the main place of the carnival without Kevin. He calls me on a cell phone, except when I talk to him, it's like sending a tell to him on a mud. I'm talking to him, apologizing for dragging him all the way to the temple. But he says it's alright. Then he suddenly comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist.... And there my dream ends.
I've had weirder dreams. But I liked this one because it's the only one where I kiss a guy and I don't just wake up just as he's about to kiss me.